Vent.

It’s third period again. As usual, I’m not allowed to elongate my words with unnecessarily repeated letters in order to place emphasis on them, or else a red line will appear underneath them and it will be obvious that something is going wrong with my typing. Right now we’re in the computer lab supposed to be working on our Reviews of Literature, but I’m already done because I finished last night because I didn’t want to do it all today, so that’s good. Unfortunately, my back is directly to the teacher and therefore she can see my screen very-y-y-y clearly (see I have to use hyphens there just to be safe). Again, I am using the tiny size 8 Arial font as a defence mechanism.

You know what’s sad? I’m forever alone in this class. Being the only eleventh grader in a class full of seniors is... well, it’s not fun in that everybody else knows each other and I... don’t. ........... Maybe I should stop talking about this, because it really is depressing me. Seriously, I feel like crying or something melodramatic like that. I’m thinking maybe I should have skipped this period... I might have if I’d have known that this was going to be a work period for something I’ve already finished. Ugh, I feel like a loser sitting here all alone. But then again, it’s mostly my fault anyway. I don’t know why, but when I’m around people I know well, even if there are also strangers or acquaintances in the group, I feel freer to be my usual crazy self. When it’s like this though... I don’t know. I can’t bring myself to talk to anybody. It’s terrifying. I don’t even know what I’m scared of. Rejection, maybe? Yeah, I guess it’s really irrational. I wish I could fix this. I mean, you know those questions where they’re like “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?” Yeah, for me, it’d be this. Stop being such a wallflower, Rachel. Pluck up the courage to talk to somebody, because right now you’re looking like a bigger idiot than you ever could if you’d just try to make some good friends here.

On the other hand though, some of these people have known each other since elementary school. Most have known each other for, I don’t know, two, three, all four years of high school? I feel so intrusive, like I’m not supposed to belong here. Technically, I don’t really belong here. It’s not only the age difference; a lot of my friends are in my grade, and a lot of their friends are in theirs. There’s a small overlap there. Maybe it’s just me though; I know there are lots of eleventh graders who associate with the seniors and are like, best friends with them or whatever. Except those aren’t my friends. Well, maybe some of them are... I mean, I’m pretty sure Nicole’s circle of friends is pretty broad in terms of age. But my point is, those usually aren’t the kind of people I’d invite to parties (or who’d invite me to parties in return... I’m not really a house party person, now that I think about it). I wish this could change though. I do want to get to know people... it’s just... I’m ridiculously scared. I don’t even know why. I know a lot of these people are pretty nice, and they’d probably accept me (even if they think I’m awkward and weird)... I don’t know what my problem is. Ugh. I wish I had more courage. I wish I could change that about myself.

Instead, I just sit here at the computer in the History pod lab, typing madly away on what people think is my Review of Literature but is actually just a really long and pointless and self-pitying ramble on how much I truly suck. I wish I had proper social skills. And then there’s a voice in my head that says, “Stop wishing, go out there and actually do something about it, stupid!” Yeah, I know. I’m just too much of a wimp to do it.

And then there’s the question about impressing people. Yes, I’ll admit, I have somebody I want to impress. And he’s male. And I may or may not be attracted to him. (No, you may not know who he is.) Somehow (... no, not somehow; it’s for a good reason), I feel like he’s way out of my league. Hooray, now Rachel is not only moping about how she lacks social skills, she’s also lamenting the fact that she looks like a goddamn idiot whenever she’s around this person, and she has absolutely no chance whatsoever because she is a spineless coward. That’s right, I went there. You spineless coward. The one who can’t make friends. The one who can’t talk to strangers. The one who still has her parents order things for her at restaurants because she can’t speak to the waiters and waitresses without freaking out. There is something very, very wrong with me, and for once that was not said in a joking manner.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m so attached to Vocal Fusion is because I feel like I belong there. I can actually be myself and talk to everybody and give hugs and sarcastic commentary and cupcakes and I can be confident that nobody will ever think of shunning me for who I am. There’s something about performing with this group of people, after you’ve practised together and bantered and made lame jokes and did each other’s makeup and sometimes lost patience with each other the final week or two before Nationals... the social barriers that I never seem to get over in everyday life, they just melt away when I’m with them. And I love them for who they’ve made me become, because I know that being on the stage with these guys has changed me. Personally, I don’t think the change was overly drastic or anything, but... it’s definitely there. I’m not afraid anymore, because I know they're with me.

Why can’t I feel that way all the time?

Today's topic will be about food.

I am not lying, mostly.

My parents said tonight we're going out to this awesome restaurant for dinner, I think it's the one that serves dishes from Xi'an... or something. (I'm probably wrong. xD) But anyway, really, the real reason I'm excited to go there is because their handmade noodles are soooooo delicioussssss ♥ (And ridiculously spicy, which I suppose isn't good for the vocal chords but hey it's only this once :D)

Speaking of food, I need to bake my yearly pre-holiday cupcake gifts for everyone this week. I'm not sure whether to give them on Wednesday or Thursday... maybe some on Wednesday and some on Thursday? (I mean, if it wasn't for Vocal Fusion I'd probably decide Wednesday, but I also want to give stuff to the however many people are in Vocal Fusion... which, now that I think about it, I have no idea. o-o Probably around 25-ish? Yeah, that seems like a good number.) (... OH HEY, how about I just fire up my Holiday Serenade videos and count the number of people? Plus Bailey and Lewis, who I think are the only two who were missing... yeah :D WHOOT PROBLEM SOLVED, SORTA.)

We're singing a song about Mexican food in jazz choir. Chili con carne, chili con carne, chiiiiliiii con carne, chiiiili con carne, chili con con con carne con chili con carne AHA LET'S MAKE!

As Fandi said, whoever wrote the lyrics of this song must have been really bored. Or really inspired by their lunch.

YOUUUUU IDIOTTTTTT

That was completely unnecessary.

Why.

WHY.

Always have to fuck things up with your big mouth, don't you?

Empty.

My room is, I mean. Turns out Joannerface had some English thing to work on today, and Divya had too much work to come chill. :P Friday, then.

I'm tireddddd can i sleep

Memphis trip tomorrow ♥ (the musical, I mean, not... yeah.)

Herpderp.

Oh yeah, concerts have not always happened on Thursdays. According to my blog. Last year the Serenade was on a Tuesday. O: SO THAT WAS A LIEEEEEEEEEE

BADIYA, SAY DO YOU REMEMBERRRRR

holy crap I watched that video over again like twice and now it's stuck in my head D: Just like Livin' on a Prayer was stuck in my head for like half the day today. I need better songs to get stuck in my head. (Well okay, Livin' on a Prayer is a cool song. BUT STILL)

Joannerface and Divya are coming over tomorrow to practice for the Vocal Fusion Talent Show that's happening next week :D YAY FOR SINGING GIRLY DISNEY SONGS AND PRANCING AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT! ♥ (Except I can't really prance around while singing because then I run out of breath and things will be bad)

If I'm not careful then I'm pretty sure this blog will soon be a big spammy heap of Vocal Fusion/Vocal Department going-ons in general. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Let's talk about something else. That's not my review of literature either WHYYYYY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS WHYYYYYYY

Got a haircut yesterday. It's vaguely choppy now but I like it ♥

... Okay, ever since I mentioned Livin' on a Prayer, it got stuck in my head again. -_- I can never win, can I?

I think I need to go shower because I'm all sweaty and disgusting again

OHAI DECEMBER

crap I already posted in December so that doesn't count

... what

OKAY SO, I'm not dead, I swear. I just... needed some time off of blogging? (What is that FLIMSY EXCUSE) Also, I just downed a whole mug of milk tea and I'm taking a break from dancing and avoiding homework (especially Psych gahhhh review of literature) so here I am because there's nothing interesting happening on Facebook either.

Whoooooo I'm so hyperrrrrrrrrr

So like, last Thursday was Holiday Serenade, meaning the 8th because for some reason Mr Henry felt the need to book it really early this year and also make it clash with One Acts and many people complained. Hence why Bailey and Lewis couldn't perform with us in Vocal Fusion boooooo. :c (Also, I discovered that apparently the concerts always happen on Thursdays because the venue is cheaper o.o I dunno, have the concerts always happened on Thursdays? I don't pay attention to these things. xD)

Speaking of Vocal Fusionnnnnn, we're awesome this year. :D (Well, we were awesome last year too, but we're a different kind of awesome this year. WHICH IS JUST AS AWESOME FYI) I make practice videos for choreo, which started when people wanted a video for the September choreo and I uploaded one of myself practising because I don't have a good mirror to practise in (all I have is this really skinny full-length one that works fine if I stay in one spot but unfortunately our choreo involves moving). I feel useful now. :D

Right now it's December in Canada and I'm wearing a Hollister tank top. Isn't this lovelyyyyy (well actually it's because I've been dancing for the past hour or so and my room is really stuffy and I get all sweaty and hot and disgusting when I dance for too long. On the upside, it's exercise and I may or may not be losing weight except I still weigh like 141 pounds according to my mom's scale WTF IS THIS BLASPHEMY D:)

Yesterday my mom found a coupon to this buffet called Star Walk (it's the buffet my family usually goes to for like birthdays and stuff), and the coupon is something like "pay for three people and the fourth person eats free!" or something like that. So my mom was like, "I was thinking of taking your grandparents [her parents] and you there. We have three people, right?" And I said, "What are you talking about? You, two grandparents, and me. That's four people." And she laughed and said, "Oh, so you do want to go?" And I was like, "o.o ... was there even a question as to whether I was going or not?"

Okay that was really random. I seem to be in a really random mood today. Back to the status quooooooo

brbraabslbaslkerbbbb

Owwww my back is all sore now. And I'm tired. I want a napppppp

I think I should get back to my review of literature before it takes over my life

Ugh.

When am I finally going to be allowed to give up on life?

I really need to get more active.

I feel like I'm talking about roleplaying again. Which I'm not, by the way.

I... I don't know what to talk about anymore.

I guess I could talk about school. It's a PA Day tomorrow. Long weekends are good. Have to study math and the usual, but... overall, I guess I'm fine.

"I'm fine." Wouldn't be surprised if that's one of the most common lies ever.

Am I lying? I don't know. Am I?

Blurb of the day.

A song named "September" came on the radio. It was not the "September" we're singing in Vocal Fusion. I was disappoint.

Tch.

Idiot.

Thought of the day.

I have this uncanny ability to do and say and feel exactly the wrong things at exactly the wrong times.

This is depressing.

In other news, math is evil. Also, Psych gives a lot of unnecessary, time-nomming work.

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day.

Goals.

I'm so bad at setting them. Or rather, I'm awful at following through with them.

I think I'll replace my NaNoWriMo with the Harry Potter/Hetalia crossover fanfiction I started last week. I've already got 5569 words, which is... pretty good, actually, considering I hardly write anything over maybe a thousand or two. (For those of you who need an equivalent, 5569 words is about seven and a third pages, 8.5 Arial font, slightly widened margins because I'm weird.) This plot bunny is just not going away. This could me my first real long-runner and perhaps (PERHAPS) the first thing I ever post on Fanfiction.net. I resolve not to give up on this thing. (Whether or not I can follow through with that remains to be seen.)

Sorry, Lance and Lucas, but I'll have to deal with you two later.

The funny thing is, the original fic plotline I made up for NaNoWriMo was a random fanfiction plot I wanted to use for Hetalia. (/shot) This is bad, because now it's really hard for me to think up of new characters when all I picture are the Hetalia characters filling the roles. xD

Names are hard too. I feel like I'm naming my child or something; it has to be absolutely perfect for the character. THIS IS BAAAAD STOP BEING A PERFECTIONIST RACHEL ;-;

In other news, annotated bibliographies are a right pain in the ass.

Blurb of the day.

Today, I went to go give a blood sample to be tested. The lady ended up having to poke me twice. Once in both arms. Apparently she found this amusing.

Her: (smiling slightly) You're a difficult one... your vein is very deep.
Me: ... I'm not fat ;A;

A mini prompt thing?

What if your best friend (or lover, or sibling, or whatever other close relationship of your choice) lost their memory? What if you're suddenly like a stranger to them, even if they still have the same personality as before? Are they still your best friend, even though you no longer have a past to weave your lives together? How much of our relationships with others is defined by experience?

Thinking about alternate universes is interesting.

Graaaaaghasdff

Reviews of Literature are a pain in the ass.

Now we're getting into the legit university work of AP Psych. :c

On top of that, I barely studied for my weekly chapter test. Which is tomorrow. Nooooo must maintain 90%+ average in Psych (which is what I think I'm getting, anyway o-x)

... In other, unrelated news, gender-specific pronouns are annoying. It makes dropping bridgets on people so much more difficult.

Happy birthday China! ♥

Also, just because I want to immortalise this (no pun intended...?):

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:33 PM):
RACHEL

Rαcн says (8:33 PM):
?

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:33 PM):
RACHEL

Rαcн says (8:33 PM):
??

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:33 PM):
HAPPY CHINA DAY

Rαcн says (8:34 PM):
LMFAO

Rαcн says (8:34 PM):
HAPPY CHINA DAY TO YOU TOO <3

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:34 PM):
<3

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:34 PM):
xDDDDDDDD

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:34 PM):
how's your China doing? Celebrating~?

Rαcн says (8:35 PM):
china's too old to get excited about his birthday anymore.

Rαcн says (8:35 PM):
/wok'd repeatedly

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:35 PM):
N'AWWWW

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:35 PM):
I DUN BELIEVE YOU

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:35 PM):
THINK ABOUT

Rαcн says (8:35 PM):
xDD

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:35 PM):
ALL THOSE CUTE THINGS

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:35 PM):
THAT HE COULD BE RECEIVING

Rαcн says (8:35 PM):
LMFAO

Rαcн says (8:35 PM):
ALSO THINK ABOUT

Rαcн says (8:36 PM):
HOW HONG KONG WILL TAKE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO BLOW UP HIS HOUSE WITH FIREWORKS

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:36 PM):
LOLLLL

Rαcн says (8:36 PM):
IN "CELEBRATION" OF HIS ANCIENTNESS

Rαcн says (8:36 PM):
OH AND ALSO LOTS OF TEASING FROM TAIWAN AND SHINATTY

Rαcн says (8:36 PM):
AND POSSIBLY ENGLAND EVEN THOUGH HE HAS LITTLE RIGHT TO TEASE CHINA THAT OLD BRIT

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
RUSSIA

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
OMG RUSSIA

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
xDDDDDDD

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
GAHHH

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
NOOOOO

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
ARU

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
GAHH

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
-dying of laughter-

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
AND S. KOREA

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
YEAH

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
OMG

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
OMG

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
NOOOOOOOO

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
GET AWAY FROM ME ARU

Rαcн says (8:37 PM):
NO BIRTHDAY HUGS

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
DYING

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:37 PM):
DYING

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:38 PM):
xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Rαcн says (8:38 PM):
xDDD YOU REALLY ARE DYING

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:38 PM):
YEAH

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:38 PM):
I'M JUST

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:39 PM):
IMAGINING

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:39 PM):
MOSTLY RUSSIA

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:39 PM):
TROLOLOLOLOL

Shandershon - nitw's honour says (8:39 PM):
KOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOL

Rαcн says (8:39 PM):
SGALSDLGGHLSGF

Rαcн says (8:39 PM):
LJGLSAJSLDGJGJFJSF

Rαcн says (8:39 PM):
;AAAAAAA;

These are the things I overhear in AP Psych.

(Today McCulloch wasn't here; there was a sub teacher. One of the guys who sit in front of me was debating whether to skip or not.)

Friend: Then make an excuse and go! Say you're preparing for a lecture or something, and just leave.

Guy: But that would feel wrong... like shooting somebody in a church.

Girl: (just walked into the conversation) Somebody got shot in a church?

Guy: No, the thing that he's telling me to do would feel like shooting somebody in a church. It would just feel... you know, morally wrong.

Friend & Girl: Shooting somebody anywhere should feel morally wrong!

Gahhhh.

I've been trying to do this one math question for ten minutes straight, wondering why the hell I keep getting the wrong answer, and only now do I realise I've been doing the wrong question the entire time.

/headdesk forever

Blurb of the day.

Today, I poured myself a bowl of cereal and then mindlessly retrieved a pair of chopsticks. I didn't realise the stupidity until after I had sat down.

In other news, I have a ridiculous load of math to do this weekend.

So far, however, I am enjoying my PA Day.

Sadness and pain.

Why do I fail so much at writing it? I had to wrestle with so much writer's block to get this much out, yet it's still such a fail... and it's not even done yet. OTL

The clock was a liar, Yao decided. It was making time go faster than it should. They couldn't possibly still be awake at this hour.

Yet the blocky figures spelling out 3:28 AM glared at him through the darkness, reminding him of his exhaustion, taunting him to go to sleep. Yao glared right back. The rational part of his mind felt silly for having a staring contest with a digital clock, but nevertheless his gaze remained mulishly fixed on the glowing numbers. He would not surrender to the night. He would not lose himself to unconsciousness. Not yet. Not until Kiku had finally fallen asleep as well.

Which, unfortunately, seemed to be taking quite a while. The frequent coughing fits interspersing uneasy lulls did not help matters. Having taken up the responsibility of caring for the ill Japanese nation, Yao had stationed himself on the edge of Kiku's bed, his legs stretched out alongside his brother and his stiff back propped up against the headboard. He had lost track of how long he'd been running around the house, cooking meals and spooning medicine and emptying out basins of crimson-saturated vomit. It must have been hours, at least. Days? It all seemed like a blur. He'd barely gotten any rest since this whole nightmare began, but even though his mind screamed for sleep, he had to make sure Kiku was at ease first. Family always took priority over self.

The sudden shrill of an ambulance pierced the silence in the room. Yao's weary eyes strayed to the window (though they saw nothing but black), and part of his tired thoughts wondered where those paramedics were going — and what they would find there. Dying civilians shivering in their beds, wrapped in dirty, bloodstained sheets? Strained, haggard parents trying in vain to hush their crying children? People reduced to little more than corpses, dragging themselves through day after agonising day, feeling the life drain slowly from their bodies? These were the horrible conditions Yao had seen on the streets, conditions that were reflected in his siblings' own frail states. But, being nations, his siblings were at least granted immortality that allowed them to cling to precious life.

... No. Not immortality, he reminded himself grimly. Being nations, their lives were tied to their countries. If their people died, they would die with them. Nobody was truly safe.

Yao grimaced at the clock.

Beside him, Kiku stirred. Yao froze, half expecting him to collapse into sudden convulsions and start hacking up blood. Instead, he only tossed restlessly over to his side, splaying out a leg that might have punted Yao off the edge of the bed had it not been so weak. The Chinese nation remembered how they all used to do that — Japan, South Korea, Taiwan, even the perpetually stoic Hong Kong. As children they would disturb him in the middle of the night, begging to sleep in his room when storms thundered outside or scary stories kept their imaginations alive and their minds fearfully awake. Often still half asleep, he would let them in to share his bed... only to wake up the next morning with a foot in his face, tiny hands latched to his hair, and a tangled mass of limbs piled on top of him and trapping him to the mattress. Such mornings had always been endlessly uncomfortable, but Yao still looked back on them with fondness.

Fondness now tainted by heartache as he gazed at Kiku's deathly still figure curled up beside him.

He reached out and drew his palm across the rumpled blankets to smooth them out. He could barely feel Kiku's body buried beneath them. He traced around the thin torso, up the bony arms and gaunt shoulders... there was a moment's hesitation, and then he let his hand float up to his pale face, faintly illuminated by the clock's ghostly glow. It was as if they were three thousand years in the past, when the younger nation was still a child, lovingly watched over by his elder brother. Yao brushed Kiku's wispy black bangs away from his eyes, which were closed but seemed to be fluttering ever so slightly. (Was he pretending to be asleep...?)

He softly stroked the top of his head. "Shi shang zhi you mama hao... you ma de hai zi xiang ge bao," he sang in a whisper, hoping the old, familiar lullaby would help Kiku drift off to warm memories. (Did he even remember the song? It was so long ago...)

"Tou jin mama de huai bao... xin fu xiang bu liao..." He was singing himself to sleep, it seemed like. Yao's voice grew fainter as he fought to keep his own eyes open.

"Shi shang zhi you mama hao..."

A stifled yawn. (No, he would not fall asleep...)

"Mei ma de hai zi xiang ge cao..."

His hand slumped listlessly to the pillow.

"Li kai mama de... huai bao..."

(Not yet... not yet...)

"Xin fu... na... li... zhao..."

(Would not... fall...)

(... asleep...)

Minutes later, another ambulance passed by.

Neither Kiku nor Yao stirred. Its wailing siren faded into the night, unheard.

The ending is rusheddddd. I thought I was rambling too much and I didn't want to bore people, but maybe I went a bit too far in the other direction. x.o (Also, gratuitous Chinese for the win~ Hey, he is the freakin' People's Republic of China. I'm allowed. :D)

In other news, there's a long weekend coming up. Also, we may or may not be having tea-time in Chemistry now, just because Delbi doesn't want people falling asleep in his class (it being fifth period and all). xD

It got neglected.

Deepest apologies for that. (Again.)

... I should be working on the essay that's due tomorrow in Challenge and Change, but whatever. It only needs to be 500 words. That's like... a normal roleplay post. It's fine.

(Trufax: Instead of "Change", I typed "China" at first. There is something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm just tired. xD)

... I really need to start on that math assignment. I hate formulas. I hate math. I may or may not give up on AP math for Grade 12, depending on if my dad lets me or not. x-o

I feel vaguely like my brain is going to deflate and die. This isn't good?

Blurb of the day.

Today, I tried to draw a tree. It ended up looking like a tentacle monster from the most abominable depths of hell.

Icebreaker.

It's an assignment for Challenge & Change in Society. Ingber gave us a bunch of questions and we're supposed to pick three and answer them. Mine were, in order: "What's your ideal dream job? What worries you the most about the world you live in today? If you were an animal, which animal would you be and why?"

At first I thought the assignment was silly (in fact, I still think the assignment is silly) and I thought I would just write a random answer without worrying too much because it's not getting marked. But... during the process, it kind of made me think. Kind of.

And I feel like posting it on here because of that. (Please don't shoot me if you think it's crappy, which it probably is. It's not getting marked, after all.)

The ideal dream job for me would be a published author, which I have thought about pursuing ever since I was young. Even now, when I’m considering other (admittedly more realistic) options, there are still fleeting occasions when I imagine spending my life crafting stories and putting them on paper. Presently, creative writing is a very prominent hobby of mine, and in my free time I love frequenting the Internet and writing with others who have a similar passion for it. I much prefer writing fiction over non-fiction, which is why I do not express the same level of enthusiasm for writing essays and the like in school, but I suppose writing non-fiction still holds some degree of fun for me. Despite my love for it however, becoming an author will probably remain an ideal dream and a dream only; realistically, I feel it would be too difficult to make a decent living for myself and for a possible family on that alone, and I would rather leave writing as a simple hobby than have to struggle with financial troubles.

What worries me the most about the world we live in today is the fighting. It worries me that wars are still ravaging lands and destroying lives. It worries me that there are people who genuinely feel alone and unloved and have nobody to turn to. It worries me to see deep, unwavering hate between husband and wife, brother and sister, parent and child... bonds which are supposed to be the strongest of all. I tend to be a rather peaceful person, someone who dislikes arguing and conflict and serious violence; I am even averse to watching overly violent films, despite knowing they are fictional. A few people have labelled me an idealist in the past, and I myself admit there is truth in that, at least when it comes to alleged impossibilities such as world harmony and peace. But even still, I hold hope that humanity will see that someday, even for a fleeting moment, because the reality — or rather, the brutality — of the world we live in today is quite, quite worrying to me.

If I were an animal, I have a feeling I might be a crane — a red-crowned crane in particular, due to its ties to both Chinese and Japanese culture. The former is my heritage, which I am rather proud of, and the latter is a country I have a special fondness for. Cranes are very large birds; in fact, the tallest flying bird in the world is the Sarus Crane, which can grow as tall as an average human. Similarly, I am taller than most girls my age (and, incidentally, I often feel quite awkward about it). Cranes are omnivorous and generally aren’t picky eaters, and neither am I. There are only two or three foods which I detest enough to refuse to eat, among them ginger and “blood tofu” (which is exactly what the name suggests: blocks of coagulated animal blood). I also see a parallel between cranes’ wide range of specialised calls and my own extensive vocabulary, which is regularly practised through my hobby of writing. Finally, origami cranes have become a symbol of world peace through the story of Sadako Sasaki and her thousand paper cranes, and as a peace-loving person who wants to see the world stop fighting, lay down their arms, and be in unity for once, I feel that represents my personality rather well.

(... why does that last bit sound a tad narcissistic.)

(By the way, I learned to use blockquotes. It looks much prettier. ♥)

Five hundreth post.

And yet I don't have time to write something crazy or witty or celebratory or special or thoughtful.

Today was the first day of Gr 11. The second half of my high school career has begun. For some reason, eleventh grade feels old. /wok'd

Two Gr 12 social science courses (one of them AP), one pre-AP Gr 11 math course, and Chem. (And Zoidberg.) And these marks are going to be seen by universities. It's so sad; I can't afford to loaf off so much anymore. Yes, I admit that I loafed off plenty in the past.

I'm probably going to have to quit one of my roleplaying sites, just because I don't think I'll have time. balsfalsdjfff I don't want to though...

Ah, time. Sometimes we can't get enough of you. Sometimes we want you to go away and never bother us with petty things such as deadlines or time management ever again. Either way, you're always on the receiving end of somebody's hate, aren't you?

LATER EDIT: I fail. It's actually my 460th. How did I misread 459 as 499 wtf brain summer is over now start working already

Tea.

That was my Smugleaf's name when I first played Pokémon Black.

Anyway, my China muse is beginning to dwindle. This is bad. What's also bad is that Japan muse is slowly but surely beginning to replace it, and I don't want to play both of them because it's no fun roleplaying two characters who are so closely related. On top of that, I have more muse for this other site on which China is going to die a violent death in a few posts.

... I feel like a bit of a sadist.

And a masochist at the same time because I'm practically forcing myself to sit here and type and bang out a response that isn't completely stupid or melodramatic. I do believe people on that site are waiting to see that first death.

... (The roleplay is based off HetaOni, if that clarifies things for anybody.)

My creativity feels dried up this is very bad

It's gotten so bad that I've fallen victim to run-on sentences what is this

blah

My brain feels squished now. Oh, the ups and downs of being a writer.

Hi.

I've had this window open for at least half an hour now. And... well, sure, I know what to do with it, but... there's something intimidating about staring at a blank box that you're supposed to write in.

I mean, as a writer anyway. It mocks you with its blankness. And you know you're supposed to put something there, but you sit there with your fingers hovering over the keyboard and a million thoughts are running through your head but you don't know where to start and seconds turn to minutes and they're just flying by and then you lose them to space and all the while you never got anything down. The box is still blank.

It pisses me off when that happens.

I'm going to try attempting NaNoWriMo this year (National Novel Writing Month, for uninformed readers; you can Google it), but only as a personal goal. I don't know why, I don't feel like officially signing up and posting progress and all that.

Mostly because I don't want people reading my crap.

I finally got accepted into Toronto Western's volunteer program, but apparently my resume sucks. (To put it bluntly.) I really hate not having bucketloads of experience like some applicants do, because it makes me look really bad on these kinds of things. It's embarrassing, especially when somebody points it out. It makes me feel like I don't do anything useful with my life (... which, now that I think about it, is painfully true).

Axis Powers Hetalia has become my newest obsession. Roleplaying China made me wonder though: what would it really be like to be immortal? I could trope right here and rhetorically ask "Who Wants To Live Forever?", but that's not really the answer I'm looking for. Well... it is, but I want more. Are there really enough words — enough of the right words — to describe thousands of years of experience? I mean, trying to summarise China's history in a few paragraphs was incredibly difficult, just because there are so many things in that one country's past to talk about. Of course, I had to focus on important things like wars and leaders and relations with other countries and all that History class stuff, but the process just got me thinking... if nation personifications were real, how would they cope with all that? Being at the front lines of every war, witnessing millions getting slaughtered, seeing leaders rise and fall, watching empires be forged and defended and crumble to pieces... never connecting with people, always caring but never loving, because love is fleeting and lives are always seized by time in the end.

... That's the pessimistic route, in any case.

"In the grief of this unending world, why is it that people fight?"

It's a beautiful song.

Also, I do apologise for neglecting this blog (and not checking up on other people's blogs) for... the entirety of this summer, really. Vacations tend to make me withdraw completely from real life; yes, I know it's a bad habit. But oddly enough, I don't mind being alone that much. I suppose that can be a little concerning...

PS. I felt like doing another layout change. Now I actually know how to fiddle around with the coding and not mess things up, so that's an accomplishment.

Screw History.

“You know there’s a reason I hate sleeping outdoors,” Cara grumbled. “I can’t fall asleep if my head isn’t on something soft.”

“This is soft,” Winston said, patting his lap and flashing Cara a cheeky grin. She rolled her eyes.

“Let me rephrase that. I can’t fall asleep on anything that isn’t a bed.”

Procrastinate.

I should be studying. Especially Physics so I don't fail that section of the exam like I failed my optics test. >>

Vocal Fusion's having a celebratory dinner tonight. Korean BB(B)Q~ ♥ (LULS see what I did thar)

...

...

...

I'm actually a bit bored. Just a bit.

BUT I DON'T WANNA STUDY.

Thought of the day.

When you don't notice that she's not in the room until she comes in, it means you've finally gotten over her. ♥

Flaky egg tarts.

I don't like them.

In other news, I bought a carnival ticket. I also finished applying for volunteering at Toronto Western Hospital. Dad said my cover letter was actually really good. I don't know.

This week is gonna be hectic.

Physics test, Sounds of Spring, Anthro test, carnival, Vocal Fusion benefit concert, Japanese oral exam, then written exam right after.

... I totes did not type "Psychic test" at first.

♥

July 27th.

It just may be something special this year. ♥

Not posting much recently.

Maybe it's because of roleplaying. Maybe it's because of school. (... nahh.) Maybe it's because of dancing.

No, seriously. Putting on random dance music and just rockin' out around my room has a surprisingly therapeutic effect. I could be upset and/or depressed and/or seething with rage and hatred (like I was today after seeing something that I really didn't want to see >>), and then a few rounds of DJ Earworm and Lady Gaga somehow seems to solve all my problems. Obviously it doesn't actually, but I always feel better (and exhausted and sweaty and hot) afterwards. It's even better than raging and keysmashing, which I'm sure my keyboard is thankful for.

Now if only I had a lock on my door. =3=;;;;;;

Dinner conversation.

Mom: See, when Rachel argues, she actually makes solid points.
Me: :D
Dad: Yeah, that's called being—
Me: Stubborn?
Dad: Stubborn. xD
Me: xD See mommy, I am like you!
Mom: In all the wrong ways.

Right.

I just looked over ↓that, and now I'm a little... sheepish? I guess? I should stop complaining and having such a filthy mouth. ._.

In other news, I missed one Vocal Fusion practice today due to volunteer orientation thing that my parents mom nagged me into. I missed learning half of the choreography for the pop mash-up. I am way, way, way behind everyone else. Are you fucking happy now, mom? >>

... I'll stop.

No, but seriously. I hate being nagged. It's insulting, like they think I'm stupid enough not to remember something like what my graduation requirements are. I would continue on that tangent, but it would probably delve into a lot of bad language and then this blog would be reduced to mere rubble from all the F-bombs I'd drop.

So no.

Vocal Fusion's still overdue for a karaoke trip.

Ever since Eric got that haircut, I swear he looks like Hubert. Today Hubert randomly crashed our Careers class (??) and I commented to Wendy about the similarity. She said she kind of sees it but not really because Hubert looks "more Chinese". Well no duh. xD

... Okay I really should get off now. I have half a pop mash-up's worth of choreo to catch up on. Dx

This really irks me.

I was watching this and it made me all sad and nostalgic... and then my mom barges in and starts yabbering on about how I need volunteer hours. >>

THANKS FOR COMPLETELY WRECKING THE MOOD, CAPTAIN FUCKING OBVIOUS.

Ugh. Every single time. It pisses me off so much. And it's not even important, which just makes it worse.







I may or may not be PMSing, but parents really need to start respecting their kids' space when they become teenagers.

In other words: STOP FUCKING BARGING INTO MY ROOM FOR NO REASON WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. OR EVEN KNOCKING. I legitimately feel that my privacy is being constantly violated like this.





... (yeah, I'm definitely PMSing. IGNORE ME.)

Woah, I'm alive?

Apparently so.

Roleplaying + school + Jap + rehearsals + recently discovered FireRed + blah = what

Today, we were doing ray diagrams in Science class.

Ilan: (after figuring out the intersection for all the reflected rays) OMG IT'S LIKE MAGIC! OOO:
Hazlewood: Yeah, magic, that's it. See, everything in science is really magic, and I secretly teach courses during the summer at Hogwarts.
(Note that Shander owns a summer-school-based Harry Potter roleplaying forum. The setting of which is at Hogwarts.)
Me & Shander: ... (bursts into hysterical laughter) xDDDDDDDDDD
Class: o-o;;
Ilan: ... Am I the only one who doesn't get it?

I was going to say something...

I had this other deep, contemplative entry all planned out while I was in the shower last night (at like 1:30 AM), but then I went to bed and I forgot what it was about. So never mind that.

I've just been dancing/working out like a maniac idiot all around my room for about 45 minutes now and now I'm all sweaty and gross. I need a shower. I also need to wash my hair.

It's strange though; if I don't prance around my room to loud music at least once a day, my shoulders end up feeling uncomfortably sore and I do strange things. Yesterday was solid proof of this.

I got Pokémon Black in English! ... Except it's not a legit version, so whatever. If I do end up getting an Isshu/Unova game, it'll probably be the third version just because I always end up liking third versions and I really wish I'd have gotten Platinum instead of Pearl now.

Speaking of which, I'm still getting used to the English names of all the new Gen V mons. Some things like Purrloin and Patrat and Volcarona I've gotten used to, but others like Monmen/Cottonee and Erufuun/Whimsicott-or-however-you-spell-it and Futachimaru/Dewott and Sazandora/Hydreigon (I still read it as Hydrogen sometimes)... not so much. But I'm getting better? :D

Okay, off the Pokémon speak now. (No, not that Pokémon Speak.)

I'm kind of tired now. Finished Bio summative yesterday. In like four hours. From scratch. Meaning, from not even knowing what my topic was. (Though granted, I basically just picked a random topic and said "sure why not", so that wasn't exactly a huge leap xD;)

I don't know.

I keep getting the feeling that the mood shifts too quickly. And clumsily. And the characterisation seems sloppy. And the writing is lacy and stuffy as always. galsdjfff.

---

“I hate summer,” Chelsea grumbled, dropping her bags onto the weathered stone path. She straightened up and wiped a bare arm across her forehead, which was now slicked with sweat. “Why couldn’t we have waited until autumn to move here again?”

“Because that’s a whole season away and we already bought the farm,” Mark replied from several paces in front of her. He glanced over his shoulder to see the brunette glaring at him with raised eyebrows, and then hastily backtracked in his words. “Okay fine—I bought the farm.” Pause. “Without telling you first. I know, I know,” he said loudly as Chelsea opened her mouth, “you already screamed at me for hours about it, back in our old apartment. But hey, nobody said you had to come with me.”

“I did not scream for hours,” Chelsea insisted defensively, her blue eyes narrowing. “And also, if you think I’m just going to let my idiot of a roommate skip off on his own and possibly drown himself in the ocean or something stupid—”

“Oh, shut up,” Mark said, rolling his eyes. “I’m not you, okay? I actually have brains.”

“I can think of plenty of instances to contradict that,” she retorted. “Such as that one time when you panicked while swimming and forgot you could get out of a pool without a ladder. There’s the school-famous dumb jock for you right there.”

“Chels, that was five years ago. And besides,” the blond added with a teasing smirk, “you were panicking too. Wasn’t that the first time you actually cried over me? Or were there incidents before that I just didn’t see?”

“Shut it, you.” The urge to snatch up one of the bulging bags at her feet and whack him with it was overwhelming. Knowing that neither her strength nor her reflexes matched up to Mark’s though, Chelsea settled instead for picking up her load again and storming over to catch up with her friend. “Fine then, I won’t worry about you anymore. When you die, I call your books. All of them,” she added, jerking her head towards the suitcase that Mark was pulling, its wheels rattling against loose pebbles as he lugged it over the uneven road.

“Nerd,” Mark chuckled, rolling his eyes. “Why am I not surprised?”

“Oi, you two! Bandana girl and overalls kid!”

The smile on the blond’s face faded as he turned to face the new voice, whose tall, apron-wearing owner was striding over from the direction the pair was walking in. “What did you just call me?” he demanded, torn between mild amusement at the nicknames and annoyance at his nickname in particular.

“Overalls kid.” The speaker, a girl sporting salmon-pink hair and a frying pan slung casually over her shoulder, pointed at Mark’s outfit with a shadow of derision in her expression. “You know, since you’re wearing—”

“Overalls, yeah, I think I’ve realised that,” Mark interrupted testily. “I was talking more about the ‘kid’ part, since why you would call me that is beyond me. Unless you actually are an old woman whose crapload of makeup is hiding your wrinkles—”

“Excuse me?” the girl snapped, her cheeks immediately flaring up. Her brown eyes reflected her aggression as she pointed the frying pan straight at Mark’s face like a sword. “First, I’ll have you know that I never wear that disgusting stuff, and I never will,” she snarled. “And second, I’m only turning twenty-one this year, which is probably still older than a stupid teenager like you, so don’t think you have the right to—”

“I’m flattered that you appreciate my youthful looks,” Mark cut in, placing a hand over his heart in mock gratitude, “but the sad truth is, my twenty-first already passed a long time ago. So you’re a bit late to the punch there, Peachhead. Sorry.”

She bristled at the less-than-mature nickname. “How do you put up with him?” she suddenly demanded of Chelsea, who gave a start when the stranger began rounding on her. The height difference between the two females soon became very evident as the pink-haired girl towered over the tiny brunette with a murderous look on her face.

Chelsea avoided her glare and her answer came out in a mutter. “You know, sometimes I wonder that myself... you have no idea.”

“Hey, whose side are you on anyway?” Mark pouted, his suitcase hitting the ground with a heavy thump as he dropped the handle and put his hands indignantly on his hips. Now having gained an ally, the girl smirked at him and threw an arm around Chelsea’s shoulders, a staggering contrast to her hostility just moments before.

“See?” she said triumphantly. “Even your girlfriend can’t stand you, you jerk.”

“Oh no, I’m not his girlfriend,” Chelsea corrected her quickly. “Mark’s my best friend, but we’re not... you know, dating or anything.”

The stranger nodded sceptically. “Uh-huh. Sure. Because a guy and a girl would totally move into the same house by themselves when they’re ‘just friends’, or whatever the shit you want to call it.”

“I’m not lying,” Chelsea grumbled as the girl released her shoulders, but then did a double take. “Wait, hold on—how do you know we’re living in the same house?”

“Well, aren’t you the newest city people who bought the farm?” she asked, beginning to walk away and beckoning for them to follow.

“Er... sure. I mean, yes. Yes, we are.” Chelsea decided not to launch into the story of Mark’s blatant disregard for open communication and asking for permission. Heaving her luggage along, she trailed after the stranger with Mark grudgingly bringing up the rear; he was clearly not impressed with the explosive welcome to their new home so far. Sensing his obvious bad mood, Chelsea took it upon herself to initiate introductions before he could open his mouth and spark another argument. “I’m Chelsea, by the way, and that’s Mark back there.”

“Cool. I’m Natalie.”

“Nice to meet you. I would shake and everything, but... yeah,” Chelsea finished lamely, indicating her occupied hands.

“Here, lemme help you with that.” Despite the brunette’s protests, Natalie wrestled a bulging brown rucksack out of her grip... and then promptly doubled over when Chelsea let go. “Oh—holy Goddess—”

“Tried to warn you,” Chelsea said, watching the other girl practically fall over from the weight of her new load.

“What the hell is in here?”

“Oh, nothing much,” Mark interjected helpfully from behind them. “Just some cans of food, some snacks, a few tools and, oh I don’t know, about fifty-billion clothes—”

“Don’t exaggerate, Mark,” Chelsea said, rolling her eyes. “Some of those are yours too, you know.”

“I’m not the one who packed a dozen dresses like I’m going to a cocktail party every night—”

“Oh come on, be fair. I only packed three—”

“You were complaining to me for days about how you couldn’t fit a fourth one in there!”

“You were complaining longer about how you couldn’t bring all of your trophies and crap! At least clothes are a necessity!”

“Are you sure you guys can live together without strangling each other?” Natalie asked as the two roommates glared daggers at each other. “I mean...” She stopped in front of the small, wooden house standing alone on Ranch Island—a shack, it could almost be called, with the state it was in—and scrutinised the rickety building with a critical eye. “Not that this is the best place ever to live in, but I’d hate to see its untimely demise at the hands of two idiots who bicker like an old married couple.”

“I told you, it’s not like that,” Chelsea groaned. The words came out more snappishly than she’d intended, and Natalie’s eyes narrowed.

“Fine,” she retorted in a similar tone, her friendliness slipping away. “I’ll leave you two friends alone then. Suppose you’re just itching to get out there and start failing at farming in any case.”

“Where’d that come from?” Mark suddenly hissed, indignation boiling up inside him.

“You city slickers know nothing,” Natalie said almost accusingly. “Nothing about the meaning of actual hard work... you think you can skip into this place and it’ll be a breeze. I’ve seen them, the whole stupid lot of them who come and go as soon as they make fools of themselves digging in the dirt out there. No backbone, any of them, it’s pathetic.”

“You’re being just as pathetic,” Mark said through clenched teeth. “Insulting our home and passing judgements on us before we even do anything. That’s like me saying you country hicks are all naïve and filthy—which looks like the truth for you at least, so I hope for your dignity the other people on these islands prove me wrong.”

He and Natalie exchanged dirty looks, but nothing more was said as Natalie dumped the rucksack onto the dry grass at their feet, turned on her heel, and then stalked off without a second glance back. Mark watched her go, his green eyes flashing with irritation, until she disappeared out of sight beyond the bridge leading to Verdure Island. “Goddamn it,” he muttered under his breath. “That little bi—”

“Mark,” Chelsea interrupted warningly. They both remained silent for a few tense seconds before Mark stomped over to the rucksack, dropped to his knees onto the grass, and began wrenching old, second-hand farm tools out of pack with such force that the fabric nearly ripped.

“Fine,” he growled, more to himself than to Chelsea. “Fine. If you need proof, I’ll give you proof, you stupid, judgmental harpy. I don’t need any more people in my life telling me what I can and can’t do... I’ve had enough of that at home.”

And he stormed off towards the vast field behind their house, armed with a hammer in one hand and a chipped axe in the other, ready to tackle the mess of weeds, branches, and rocks littering the soil. Chelsea just sighed and put a hand to her temple as the sounds of violent chopping reached her ears. They had barely been on the islands for ten minutes, and already their new life was off to a rocky start.

This was definitely not what she had signed up for.

---

I need critique.

Andddd back.

Off the contemplative stuff now.

I decided on Snubbull and Togepi in the end.

Bio test today. Wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, surprisingly. Questions about plants kinda killed me though. Got eureka moments for those in like the last twenty/fifteen minutes. Also there was this one question I wanted to add a final note to, and I was writing like MACHSPEED trying to get it down in like the last ten seconds and then the bell rang and I was like "OHSHIT" and I practically scribbled down the final few words and if he can't read it it's not my fault.

Merrick called me out on my tiny, scribbly writing in Careers today, when I handed in the class assignment. She linked it with low self-esteem. Apparently I write small because I don't think much of myself...? (I'd hate to see what kind of state Van's self-esteem is in then. /shot)

Youth.

I pulled up a random word generator, and that was the first result it gave me. Which is kind of funny because, while I sit here listening to my pretty soundtracks and trying to study Bio without getting distracted, I realise I haven't been thinking much about... well, my life in general, really.

Especially now that I've started Careers, the whole thing is just slapping me hard and cold in the face. Where am I going? What am I doing with myself? How will I take care of myself years from now, when I'm all alone?

That last one really stung. My parents will be gone one day some way or another; it's inevitable in this reality. And I think about some of my friends—some of you who read this—and how I've heard you rail against your parents and express endless frustration with them, just short of flat-out saying "I hate you". I think it's unreasonable to tell you otherwise, because obviously I'm not you and I don't know firsthand what you're going through or what they do to you, but... I guess it just makes me a bit sad hearing you say things like that. Kids should love their parents, and parents should love their kids no matter how stupid or infallibly smart or irresponsible or rebellious or whatever they are. It just makes me a bit sad how, in a world in such desperate need of some love, I see hate in what should be one of the strongest, most loving bonds of all.

And then I look at that last question again, and then at the word generator, and... I'm not quite sure what came next. I'm still young. I'm still in high school. I still have plenty of friends and nigh family to lean on; I'm not alone just yet. By the time I pack up for university (I hope) though... the chances aren't great. We're going to graduate. We're all going to go our separate ways for good.

Would we still be alone though? I mean, barring the possibility that some of us may go to the same university... but just how much of our high school years will we carry with us? When Samara and Avery and Tiffany and Amir disappear next year, you can damn well bet the rest of us in Vocal Fusion will still be behind them, supporting them one hundred percent, no matter where they end up. And it'll still be that way when this year's grade elevens graduate next year, and then... well, then it's us. And that would be nearly the end; Jacob and Eric would be the only ones left from our shining debut year.

I realise I'm going way off on a tangent here, but... by the time Jacob and Eric are the last remaining ones in Vocal Fusion, me and everyone else in my year would be seventeen or eighteen and heading out into the world. I myself would be eighteen by that point... and then nineteen... and then twenty... and before I know it I'll be twenty-five... then thirty... then forty... then fifty... Goddess, where did my life go?

I daresay it won't pass that quickly though. Freaking out over school and looking for a job and finding that one special person and spending time with them and finding a house and planning a wedding and preparing for kids and getting promoted and paying off student loans and mortgage and

Would I still be alone by then?

... No. Even without the marriage (although I hope at the very least I'll have a steady boyfriend by age thirty o-O), I'm still idealistic enough to hold out hope that, even though you'll all be off being amazing somewhere else... I hope you'll still love me enough to stand behind me, supporting me one hundred percent. And I hope I'll still love you enough to deserve it.

So maybe I'm a loony. Maybe I am just a corny, pacifying, naïve girl who'll get nowhere in life... or at least nowhere exciting. That's fine; as long as I'm happy, and I help other people achieve that same happiness—because I know everyone deserves it—then that's my goal accomplished.

I'm sleepy.

At 8:40 PM. I should stop dancing so hard around my room.

I feel vaguely like a stalker. Not good?

Anyway, today was fairly uneventful. I guess. Science class was rife with Harry Potter references. Especially concerning magic and wizards and Gillyweed.

(upon learning that we used to have gills as embryos)
James: O: Hey, has there ever been anyone who was born with gills? And grew up with them?
Hazlewood: ... I think it has happened before, yeah.
Someone: Like in Harry Potter!
Hazlewood: >_> No, Gillyweed does not count.




On a completely unrelated note...

A message to ____: you're sexy.

... The person in question is probably not going to see that. Ever. Probably. Depending on certain circumstances. |D




So what's up, guys. I ended up not finding any sweet snacks for third period, although I did find a bag of curry-flavoured Pretz which I shared with an apparently starving Shandershon during Science review period.

Speaking of which, I has Bio test this Wednesday. Should be studying. Need to pull up 85% average. B|

Oh, that reminds me: midterms came today. Average 90.25%. Would complain, but people would probably get mad at me |D

Breakdown:
History — 85%. I'm pretty sure it's lower than the class median, but then again I don't particularly care for History. And also, according to Fander, "it's Bennett".

Science — 85%. Now this actually pisses me off. Or at least severely annoys me. Stupid Chem test. Stupid application. Need to study Bio instead of blogging right now.

Anthro — 97%. Mood whiplash; this does not piss me off nearly as much. :D Also, I believe Ms Woo mentioned that the class average is somewhere in the 80's which makes me a very happy camper.

Civics — 94%. Or 95%. Can't be bothered to pull out the paper to check. :P Not really sure what to say about this one. Yay?

In conclusion, ARGHSLDKFJALKHDGL SCIENCE.




... I need to get better hobbies.

Also, I don't understand FB chat.

And this two-dollar box of cookies tastes strange.

Okay, back to normal.

Or as normal as I presently can be, anyway.

Vocal Fusion is performing at Fashion Show. We're doing a Fighter/Dirty Pop/Sexy Back/Womanizer super-mash-up. We're cool. 8) (Ms C was slightly disturbed by our choice of Womanizer. "Why are you guys singing Britney Spears? It's not right! D8")

We discussed personalized hoodies on the Facebook group. Alyssa suggested we put nicknames on the sleeve. Eric was unaware that we had nicknames. Alyssa admitted that we don't, but we could make them. And then randomly nicknamed Eric "Oh-bama". And then me "Zou-bama". I showed my mom, because it was just too hilarious, and she said the last thing I expected her to say: "(after laughing) Can I call you Zou-bama from now on? :D"

Yeah, no.

Also, I posted that conversation from some time ago about my slip-up and inadvertent asking if one wears clothes to a fashion show. (That wasn't my intention, by the way.) I'm not sure if the fact that four people "liked" my stupidity should offend me or not.

Also, apparently Callum was present during that conversation. Was that the one we had on top of the main staircase? I can't remember. I vaguely remember Shander being there, but that's about it. For someone who picks up on lyrics relatively quickly, my memory tends to be frustratingly selective.

... In any case, I should stop talking about things that happen on FB.

I'M BRINGIN' SEXY BAAAACK

I'll shut up now.

So what's up, guys. I'm feeling surprisingly sleepy. At 9:10 PM. Not sure if this is something to be celebrated or concerned about.

Maybe it's because I've been exercising lately. Stupid fat legs. They're trolling me.

My parents neglected to buy me a bag of Pocky this week. I am shell-shocked and also slightly annoyed. Except the former may be a bit of an exaggeration.

Damn it. Now I have no class-appropriate snack, which means I can't troll people in my Science class and possibly annoy Hazlewood by snacking in the middle of third period.

... Speaking of Science, I have a Bio test this week. And a summative due next week. That I haven't started. At all. I don't even have a topic yet. This probably means I'm screwed.

... I'm going to go downstairs and look for prospective snacks for tomorrow's third period class. Byeguys.

ohgod.

Wasn't me.

So embarrassing.

Noticing a pattern?

Blah blah blah me blah blah blah wahhh blah blah blah blah wallow blah blah my life is so hard blah blah blah me me me me blah

This blog is a bucketful of immature complain dump. MY LIFE IS SO HARD AND TRAGIC AND I CAN HARDLY DEAL WITH ALL THIS SHIT WAHHH LOVE ME HOLD ME PITY ME I'M A CHILD

Fucking hell. There is so much wrong with me.

... I've also noticed that my mouth is getting progressively filthier. Perhaps this is a byproduct of my recent less-than-perfect moods, but... still. I don't think it would be very good to make this a habit.

180 degrees.

My mood seems to take those turns a lot nowadays.

A few thoughts have been running through my mind recently.

... a few prominent thoughts.

Recurrently.

This is a bad thing. Mostly.

These are idiotic thoughts. They are compelling me to consider doing (and in some cases, to actually do, for some Goddess-knows-why reason) very, very stupid things.

There are times when I want to be left alone, and there are times when I crave the company of only that one person.

Yeah. Like that's ever going to happen.

So while this one person's been fucking with my mind (inadvertently, I'm sure), I find myself making excuses. Lots of them. And they're stupid. Making me feel stupid.

Like today, I did several very stupid things. People might have noticed. It's hard not to notice.

And then mood whiplash and happiness and rainbows and then FUCKING HELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU RACHEL.

Not looking forward to tomorrow.

... I lied. I kind of am?

For all the completely wrong reasons, but still.

I like to think of myself as having a way with words. It's one of those few things I think I'm actually good at. Or at least decent enough.

But then I think about the things that I shouldn't think about but I do anyway in that moment when see him and I shouldn't be thinking about things like that but I end up doing so anyway and FUCK

... It's probably not what you think it is. Because I shouldn't be telling anybody. And I'm not trying to be cryptic or enigmatic or any crap like that.

Don't you hate when you can't tell somebody something, but they would only understand why you can't tell them if they knew what exactly it is but you can't tell them what it is and it just carries on in a vicious circle and and and

I wish I could tell people. Or at least that one person. Just that one person, because he should know but at the same time he shouldn't because this is all so fucked up.

And... it would feel nice just to get some of this shit off my chest. Fuck, I wish.

A,SDJLFHGLASJOFWEFA'EJFASD

FOURTH PLACE

FIRST OF ALL NON-ART SCHOOLS

SO PROUD OF EVERYONE

FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

HYPED UP.

WE'RE FAMOUS LULZ

WE TOTES NEED TO GO KARAOKE AFTERPARTY TO CELEBRATE NO MATTER WHAT THE RESULTS ARE WE HAVE THE MOST AMAZINGEST FAMILY EVER AMIRITE ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Earthworm dissection.

(while trying to get the pin unstuck from the tray)
Shander: ... Damn, I think he pushed it in too deep.
Me: That's what she said.
Shander: ...
Me: ...
Both of us: xDDDDDDD

I'm the slickest.

Bandwagon.

Jumping on it.

Saw Jason's most recent blog post about the diagnosis thing with the shapes. Decided to try.

"Fond of tradition, but attached more to the joy of human interaction, you are often a beacon of hope to those members of society who have lost faith or who are in need of succor. You are often emotional, and this emotionality is rarely held in check. Kind and helping by nature, when affronted you will explode, and just as suddenly when the pain has passed return to normalcy again. On occasion this quick and vibrant emotionality is translated into a life on the stage or screen. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, but can sometimes be left confused and uncertain in times of stress or when tough decisions must be made. You avoid conflict, tending to stay out of trouble in hopes that the group will benefit most from this behavior. Because you have trouble putting your own needs first, you will be put in much stress if you find yourself in an unequal relationship, one in which your partner is not as giving as you are."

... kind of scary, really.

Literacy test tomorrow.

But that's not important.

... It's almost April. April, May, June, vacation, grade 11. alkslhgsehehsfhldskj.

Today, I did something very idiotic.

There is something wrong with me.

Is there such thing as social anxiety that pertains to reluctance to mingle with others outside of class and also erratic behaviour when coming into close physical contact with the opposite gender?




... I feel selfish.

Half of me wants a hug, and the other half never wants to see another human being again. Or at least for a little while.

There is something wrong with me.




Can I just, like, hate everything that ever existed in the history of forever and be done with it?

Some things just never fail to cheer me up.

Ms Woo: There's this other social network I've heard about, like Facebook and Twitter...
Girl: Tumblr?
Ms Woo: Yeah, Tumblr, that's it! A lot of people are saying it's really good. Is it really?
Girl: Yeah, it is!
Dude: Ew, who uses Tumblr? Facebook is so much better!
Other Dude: Well, you can't really compare the two, right? I mean, it's like comparing an apple with a... car.
Ms Woo: xD So I'm guessing Facebook would be the car?
Other Dude: Or like... a leaf with a microwave. It just doesn't work.

(introducing biological drawings in Science)
Hazlewood: ... So if you see like a squiggle and you don't know what it is, don't just label it randomly. I'm warning you, I've done this every year and I know exactly what's supposed to be labeled in your drawing, so if you fuck up— (dead silence before realisation hits and he covers his mouth) Oh.
(cue class bursting out into hysterical laughter)

Blurb of the day.

"What'd it say just now? Something airlines?"
"'Asiana Airlines'. Like, Asia with N-A at the end. Asia with sodium at the end."

There is something wrong with me.

Blurb of the day.

Who knew playing a video game would be so much work.

There's a part of me who wants Sunshine Islands to be like the old days, where mining was easy money and you just watered crops once a day and forgot about it.

Not like where you have to keep track of all the numbers in a Word document and plan out your crops carefully every week in advance and try to maximize your profits.

... But then again, the old days didn't have Vaughn.

/shot

In other news, I have a Science test tomorrow.

I was studying just now.

Honestly.

Legit.

Don't hit me again, Shandershon.

D:

Record.

Today, I ate a packet of instant noodles, a fried egg, a wrap, four bowls of rice, a large plate of ribs, half a plate of beans, a bowl of fruit, and four containers of yoghurt.

Over two meals. Breakfast and dinner. (And dessert.)

In other news, I have a civics journal thing due tomorrow. I'm not even done half. I should not be on here right now typing up a blog entry.

I seem to be part of a big screwed up family right now. Shander's my sister, Dana's our mommy, Peter N is our step-dad via Dana, Matthew may or may not be our biological dad also via Dana (LOL), Kyle is my granddad also via Dana, Jacob's my hubby, Brenda-this-girl-I-met-today is apparently my daughter now, Lauckerface is my brother, Nalini is my... half-mommy-or-something-or-other via Lauckerface, Richerface is also my brother, which makes Joannerface my... sister-in-law? Something?

... wot.

I have a Science test on Monday. I have an Anthro test on Thursday. I have ISP stuff due on Wednesday. I still have to finish Civics. I have not started on anything.

This is a good recipe for disaster y/y

No contest by this point.

Our science class is the best.

Hazlewood: (while explaining neutralization) So then, if you, say, eat something that's too sour, it's probably too acidic. In which case you can add a base to neutralize it—
Daniel: Like soap!
Hazlewood: Oh yes, of course. Just dump a whole bunch of soap in your food, right? Genius.

Hazlewood: ... on the other hand, if you dump that same amount of potassium in the lake in a powder form, it'll explode before it even hits the water.
Me: (aside to Shandershon) ... I just got a mental image of someone chucking a banana into a lake. And the banana exploding. There is something wrong with me.

Hazlewood: (yelling over the class) OKAY EVERYONE TIME TO CLEAN UP!
Me: (standing right in front of him) ... o.x;
Hazlewood: Sorry Rachel.
Me: And again with teachers yelling in my ear. |D;
Alex: Is your ear gone? :O
Me: ... what. o.o
Chadwick: Mr Hazlewood, look what you did! You blew Rachel's ear off! You're so cruel!
Shandershon: Oi, she's not George Weasley!
Hazlewood: What are you talking about, her ears seem perfectly intact.
Me: I am so confused.

Taking a break.

From my increasingly incessant ranting about school and work.

I have milk and cookies in front of me right now. I'm one of those people who don't like eating/drinking certain things in combination with others, which is why I never drink milk in the morning when I'm eating, say, scrambled eggs for breakfast. It's kind of disgusting. (Juice, however, is happily welcomed.)

On the downside, the milk is cold and it's making me cold. Yesterday I binged on spicy food at the restaurant and now I'm drinking cold milk that came straight out of the fridge and I think I'm really going to regret this when I get a massive stomachache later.

IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT TO DRAG ME AWAYYYYY FROM YOUUUUU

I think I got most of the choreography down. :D

Yesterday, Jacob and I discovered that BBCode works in MSN. Meaning now I can litter my MSN messages with italics and strikethroughs and all that pretty stuff without manually changing the font and ahmgggg ♥ (For the record, I flipped my shit out at this discovery with massive amounts of keyboard smashing. :D)

... Okay, I really am starting to get a stomachache. I should go put some socks on.

A day of unproductivity.

It is currently 8:32PM. I left the house at approximately 8:30AM this morning. I only got home about twenty minutes ago. I got nothing done today. Additionally, I got Japanese homework that is apparently being marked.

I mean, who knew you'd actually have to do work in that class, anyway?

Also, screwed for Science lab report. I actually have no idea what to write. HAZLEWOOD PLEASE LIKE MY BS KTHX

At least Ms Woo doesn't do homework checks. I don't think. I should do it anyway, or I'll be screwed once the test rolls around. ._______.

Oh yeah, ISP. And History test. And Civics journal response. KRYL PLEASE LIKE MY BS KTHX

Don't you just love it when you get work in all five courses you're taking?

At least I got to eat at a nice restaurant today.

Regarding teachers.

Today, I discovered that Ms Woo is a huge Mario fan. Apparently, someone cut in front of her while driving today—twice, in the span of about two minutes—and she was so pissed that she "wanted to throw a turtle shell at them. A red one, because those are the ones that chase you around. Or a banana peel." This segued into a (clearly very productive) class discussion about Mario, and she commented that "I kind of want to play now... I think I'll do that tonight. You know, just pull out my Nintendo DS, have a bit of fun." She also got defensive when she saw our clear amusement about this revelation, and she insisted that "just because I'm a teacher doesn't mean I can't enjoy video games! I can even bring my DS to school to prove it. I bet I can beat you in MarioKart. >D"

We did a lab in Science today. At the end of the period, I was rushing because I needed to get to Anthro and almost ran out of the room still wearing my safety goggles. Yeah, I'm slick. In the end, I basically had to run halfway across the room three times to fetch paper towels and clean equipment and give my textbook to Shander and pack my bag and replace the goggles and blahhh. Hazlewood was watching the whole thing and was deeply amused. ("You going to go to your next class with your safety goggles on?" "... RIGHT. Thought I was forgetting something. o.o" "|D That'd be hilarious though." "Thank you for your valuable commentary.") Coupled with my nigh inability to open simple things such as film canisters and oven doors, as well as my immaturity and hyperactivity in general, which nearly led to accidentally spilling six-molar hydrochloric acid all over Shandershon's hand (among other things) the last time we did a lab, I think it's safe to guess that he thinks I'm an idiot now.

Kryl seems to stare at me a lot when she gives lectures at the front of the room. At least, when I'm paying attention. Of course I don't do Science homework in Civics, what are you talking about.

... Now that I think about it, I don't know why Ms Woo is the only teacher to whom I refer with a title. (When not talking directly to them of course; bit rude to call teachers solely by their surname to their face. Even Delbi gets "Mr Delbi".) Maybe it's the slight similarity to Ms Wong. Although less so than Ms Wang, I'm sure. |D

Personally, I'm still not used to calling teachers simply by "sir" or "miss" unless it's a supply, and I don't think I ever will. On the other hand, the eleveners that surround me in Anthro all call Ms Woo "miss", so this may or may not rub off on me in the near future (in that class at least).

Regarding yesterday.

You've probably noticed that occasionally I have this random compulsion to post ambiguous thoughts on my blog even though the purpose of this thing is kind of to share my thoughts with the world. Which is kind of what I'm doing, except that nobody seems to get it.

And that's fine. I'd prefer to keep it that way, actually, since the thing I was referencing yesterday is... well, it isn't exactly something I should blab all over the place, to say the least. It has an alarmingly high potential for controversy and landing certain parties in deep, deep shit.

In short, forget I said anything. I'm going to look back on that post during my obligatory reminiscing time in two years when I graduate, and two reactions are possible: "Wow, I remember that... glad that drama is over." Or, on the other hand: "... fuck, I remember that. Why was I such a delusional freak again?"

I'm kind of hoping for the former, but...



In other news, my average in Anthro is currently 96%. I did surprisingly well on my essay, apart from my apparent failure of an introduction that lost me the only two marks I got docked out of 25. This makes me happy and also a bit annoyed at the same time. That possible 100% was right there, for Giratina's sake.

On the not-so-bright side, we had a Science quiz today and, alarmingly, I couldn't figure out the last redox question. After an enlightening conversation with Tanya after choir today (she also has Hazlewood, fifth period), I realised what I did wrong and it is like the most obvious solution on the planet I cannot believe I missed it and much wallbanging and raging ensued. I may or may not have scared Jacob with said raging, but yeah.

ALSDJFALSDJFLAJSDLFAF I just failed a quarter of the quiz because I was an idiot. ;-; Although, admittedly, it's better than thinking two times two equals two. If I somehow manage to top that one, I'm going to laugh. And then throw something. Very violently.

People are getting sick left and right. I feel like I'm getting sick myself, but knowing me and my annoyingly good immune system, the worst I'm probably going to get is a headache and being cold and some threats of throwing up during the school day. (This is endlessly irritating, particularly since in Anthro and Science in particular, you actually have to pay attention in class. Fffffff.)

fuck.

of all people.

i can't do this.

do not even think about it, rachel. you're deluding yourself.

Blaaaargh.

Apparently Ms Woo breaks overhead projectors a lot. She broke one in Anthro today, and also in her first period class.

Pretty sure Sarah is shunning me now. Other people were also shocked surprised by this development. I am genuinely confused; what of this merits such a dramatic reaction? o.o

Science formative quiz was actually ridiculously easy. It was slightly suspicious. (I may or may not have done something stupid and got marks off though. If it's because I can't add, I'm going to throw something. D<)

Base/acid reactions. I googled it after school today because he wasn't here to teach and gave us this worksheet that I don't think anybody could make a head or tail of what to do. Google gave me answers. Mind was blown. At first I was like "... @_______@" and then I was like "... OHHHHHHH OOOOO8" and now I'm confused by perchloric acid. Apparently it's like chlorate with an extra oxygen, and aqueous to make it an acid. I kinda get the "per" and extra oxygen connection, but... what? @_@

... I blog an awful lot about science now. And Anthro. Kind of ironic considering HATE CHEMISTRY but yeah. An improvement over endless Pokémon/Harvest Moon/video game/whatever spam, I suppose. |D

By the way, Kryl caught me blatantly doing attempting to do my science homework in the middle of Civics. She immediately launched into a conversation with me about something else. I don't think she cared. |D



Spencer: (walks up to us) Hey. Do we have choir today?
Jacob: o.o No, it's Tuesday.
Spencer: o__o Really?? It's Tuesday??
Me: (facepalm) No, Spencer, of course it's Monday.
Spencer: o_____o Wait, are you serious??
Jacob: Yeah, we were just messing with you earlier. It's Monday.
Spencer: So we do have choir?
Jacob: Yup, we were just on our way right now.
Spencer: ........
Me: ... xD
Spencer: ... So it is Monday?
Me: No, it's Tuesday.
Spencer: @______@ (to a random other person) Hey, is today Monday or Tuesday?
Person: Tuesday.
Me + Jacob: xDDD
Spencer: So... we don't have choir?
Me + Jacob: No. xD
Spencer: Okayyy. I suppose you guys enjoyed that bit of fun at my expense, huh? =3=;;

tic tac.

^Apparently it's supposed to be stylized like that. Personally, I love stylizing words with all lowercase letters. I don't know why, but I find it kind of pretty. :D

Listening to Taylor Swift's "Mine" for like the tenth time in a row. Still not sick of it. Is this a miracle?

Civics project is done, Anthro thesis thing for ISP may or may not be done (ever since she called me up in the middle of class and basically told me that my essay wasn't a proper essay, I'm all paranoid of doing it wrong again and now I'm majorly stressed. Over a thesis statement for Giratina's sake @_@), last Science question/conclusion is being stupid (copper chloride/magnesium ribbon, go die D<), and we presented History on Friday meaning no homework for that. Yay.

... I'm actually in pretty good shape, now that I think about it. o.o Perhaps I will have time to write a bit this long weekend. ♥

PS. You've probably noticed that I'm updating a lot more frequently and with decently-sized, real-life-relevant content now. I shall try to maintain this trend, because now my blog is starting to become an actual blog and not just a wasteland of fangirly crap. |D;

... Or maybe not.

Burning the copper wire or the magnesium ribbon can't possibly be a combustion reaction because neither has both hydrogen and carbon. I don't think. So that hypothesis was totally wrong. ._.

How to write an acceptable thesis? My essays apparently suck. I'm better at creative writing. D8

Richerface asked me via commenting on my last post why I don't like fire. I'm not quite sure how to answer that. I mean, I guess the primary reason is because it's dangerous, but that doesn't really explain why I'm afraid of a mere Bunsen burner flame or even the stove in my own house (seriously). Yes, I realise it's irrational and could possibly be labeled pyrophobic/arsonphobic, but I'm not that worried since it's not severely interfering with my life or anything, I don't think. I mean, I don't particularly like using the stove, but I still can (and have in the past) used the front burners (reaching over an open flame to get to the back burners freaks me out though). And besides, it's not like I'm afraid of heat or the stove itself or anything; the fact that I bake occasionally should be sufficient enough proof of that. It's just the flames that I want to stay faaar away from.

... Blehh, hate Chemistry. :c

Siblings.

We talked about them in Anthro today. Apparently Ms Woo has two older brothers.

Dude: Did you ever fight with them?
Woo: Oh yeah, definitely. I mean, never physically, but verbally, you know? We used to scream at each other a lot... sometimes I threw stuff at them.
Everyone: xDDD
Dude: Yes miss, because that's not physical at all.
Woo: Well, there was a distance, you know! So it doesn't count!
Girl: "The chair was all the way over there, mommy!"
Woo: Well no, I never threw a chair at them... I did throw a ladle at my brother once though. I think that's the worst I've ever done.
Girl: Why would you do that?? xD
Woo: I don't know, I just remember that he was like, provoking me and making me really angry about something. And then I threw the ladle.
Girl: Did he stop after?
Woo: Yeah. |3




Today in Science, we were doing a lab. I rediscovered my fear of Bunsen burners (and fire in general, really). I mentioned this to my parents later this evening but they weren't surprised; apparently I've been afraid of fire ever since I was little. (They even said I refused to sleep by myself in my own room for months because I was so paranoid of the house spontaneously combusting for some reason.)

In any case, this is a problem, considering I'm planning on taking Chem all the way till grade twelve and chances are those Bunsen burners are going to pop up again. With alarming frequency. What do.

Kitten in a washing machine.

Who does that? D<

Movie was fun. Dinner was fun. Conversation afterwards out in the freezing cold about video games and life was the best. ♥ (For the record, I didn't notice any coffee aftertaste. Hm.)

(... but then again, I was probably terrible. Deepest apologies for that. ;-;)






And before I forget, here's another lovely little tidbit from science class (which I seem to talk about quite often... well, it's the most interesting class of my day, so makes sense |D):

Michael: (randomly in class) Mr Hazlewood, what colour are your eyes?
Hazlewood: o.o Why do you need to know?
Michael: Just wondering.
Everyone: ..........
Michael: Are they green?
Hazlewood: No.
Michael: Are they hazel? O:
Hazlewood: ... Actually, yeah. |D
Everyone: LOOOL GJ
(Michael and Mich P, who's sitting beside him, start spazzing at each other)
Hazlewood: You know Michael, I won't lie, I'm a little weirded out by that question.
Michael: Well I'm sorry, we were having a bet!





Me: (panicking over Anthro test during transition time to Science) I HAVE A TEST NEXT PERIOD I HAVE A TEST NEXT PERIOD WHAT DO I DO
Shandershon: Calm down! And it's not next period, it's the period after that.
Me: What are you talking about? It's period three already.
Shandershon: No it isn't, it's transition time.
Me: That still counts!
Shandershon: No it doesn't!

(Later, at the end of Science)

Me: I HAVE A TEST NOW I HAVE A TEST NOW WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO IT'S LIKE MY FIRST TEST FOR A GRADE ELEVEN COURSE—
Shandershon: (towers over me like the intimidating thing she is) Dude, I had Travel and Tourism last semester! Calm down!
Me: DDDDD8 BUTBUTBUT... THAT ONE'S DIFFERENT SO IT DOESN'T COUNT WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO—
Shandershon: RACHEL! First of all, CALM DOWN.
Me: O_O (salutes) YES MA'AM.
Shandershon: You're going to do fine! Now go, before you're late.
Me: (salutes again) YES MA'AM. (runs off)

Celebration!

For finishing all 24 of those stupid oxidation questions!~~~ 8D

... except not, because I can't figure out #7 for some reason. It, like, laughs in my face. Every time. HATE YOU TOO QUESTION NUMBER SEVEN. D<

Anyway, locked in and printed out course selections today. AP English, AP Functions, AP Bio, regular Chem (D:), Vocals, Issues in Human Growth, Challenge and Change in Society, and AP Psych. Four AP courses in grade eleven (and then four more in grade twelve, so far) should be a bucketload of fun, y/y. (Although it's better than what I had originally planned, which was three in grade eleven and five in grade twelve. Good thing that's not happening, eh.)

... I like how Chem's the only one that gets a further comment. I've made no secret of my distaste for Chemistry, yes?

... If not, then: ALSDJFALSDJF HATE CHEMISTRY. That is all. (Also, I'm taking it because I need to, because med school durr B|) (I'm not sure I'll even make it into med school in the first place. What. D8) (Anyway, if I somehow totally bomb med, then I could always switch my major to literature or journalism or something. Be nice to put all that flowery vocabulary and grammar rages from roleplaying to good use. 8D)

Balancing chemical equations.

It is confusing. Refuse. D<

Also, I tried googling redox-or-something-or-other (the thing we're going to learn tomorrow) and my brain got extremely muddled after skimming through a few results. I am so confused now.

TIME FOR ANTHRO THEN :|

We got our ISP project/essay in Anthro already. What.

Basically, we have to write a research essay (research, not opinion) about an issue relating to social sciences/humanities. I chose gender roles, because it's interesting and I want to learn how to write trap characters better because they're fascinating.

BABY YOU'RE A FIREEEEEEWORKKKKKK

It seems that so many people hate Valentine's Day. o.o I mean, even if you're single (and especially if you're single), doesn't that just mean you're allowed to express love for everyone without people going like "OMG YOU'RE SUCH A CHEATER!" or whatnot? Also, for me at least, giving tons of people Valentine's gifts (read: cookies) is a lot more fun than just giving one person. I like mass gift giving, and it also gives me an excuse to give things to certain people where it would otherwise probably be awkward and/or suspicious. But that's neither here nor there.

... Right, should be working.

... Oh snap.

^My reaction upon seeing several of my heart cookies coming out horrendously deformed.

This time I only bothered decorating the teachers' because I was lazy and I didn't want to waste too much decorating gel. xD

Bennett: I tried drawing a cannon, since we're studying the world wars and all that. It does not look like a cannon. It looks like... a blob with a circle at the end. And then another circle on the other end. What.

Hazlewood: I honestly had no idea what to put on his, and so I was raging over my science notes trying to find something witty to spell out with the periodic table of elements or something (sorta like the "I ate some pie" math button). And then, after much raging, I noticed that I could spell out "oh snap" with elements (hydroxide + sulphur + sodium + phosphorus), which actually made sense because his cookie was one of the more terribly deformed ones. =3=;;

Woo: Planned on drawing a silhouette of a human head with a brain inside. I drew the outline of the head... and then realised it didn't look like a head at all. I even held it up to my dad and asked him what it looked like to him, and he was like, "........... nothing?" Cue headdesking. (The brain didn't come out that well either. @_@ I'm going to have to elaborate to her tomorrow about what exactly the thing on her cookie is, because I don't think she'll get it otherwise. At all.)

Kryl: Probably the easiest, I just put a little maple leaf and coloured it in (because the gel was red durr). I was originally going to draw the entire Canadian flag, but there wasn't enough space. |D

I made 37 cookies in all, including the ones for my teachers. This puts me at 4 cookies short, which is unfortunate. Ah well, least I tried. |D

(Also, dad now wants me to bake cookies again tomorrow for our family to eat. But I has Anthro to study for and possibly history proj to finish and whatever other homework I get tomorrow. WHAT DO.)

So.

I should be doing my Anthro essay right now, particularly since our group has History to work on tomorrow and then I have cookies to bake for Valentine's Day, but SCREW WORK.

I discovered the movie "The Professional". I kind of want to see it, except that it is excessively violent. My dad would probably like it.

It is nearly Valentine's Day. Yesterday in Civics, we (meaning Wendy, Shawney, Ocean, Happy and I) were talking about presents for boyfriends people (I think Ocean is the only one with an actual boyfriend =3=;;) and Ocean got Happy to write "Happy Valentine's Day" in Chinese so she could copy it. Aww~ x) ♥ (I should find out how to write "Happy Valentine's Day" in Japanese or something for next year or whenever I get into a relationship. Screw Chinese. :D /brick'd)

But seriously, I really want to bake cookies to give to people on Monday. Since I don't have a "Valentine" (for some reason using that word to describe a person makes me feel weird o.o) I'll just express my ~*~undying wub~*~ for everyone. xD

Counting time! Okay lessee (bonus points if I can refer to people by nicknames? 8D): Shandershon, Lauckerface, Fanderson, Micherface, Penguinface, Richerface, Joannerface, Tanyerson, Sarserson, Wenderson, Danerface, Darynaface, Tracy (... it feels so weird calling people all these weird nicknames and then suddenly reverting back. xD Tracerson? I dunno.), Ocean, Shawney, Happy (because I would feel bad if I gave Wenderson a cookie in Civics and then ignored the other three |D), all four of my teachers, Ms C if I see her around, and maybe about 15-20 extras for miscellaneous people whom I may have forgotten and/or who simply come over and bother me relentlessly for a cookie. There will probably be a lot of these miscellaneous people.

That totals to about 41 cookies. I have my work cut out for me.

... But before any of that baking I GOTTA FINISH THIS ANTHRO ESSAY GRARGHHHHH

Science class.

It is hilarious. And absolutely awesomesauce. WHITEBOARD GAME FTW

We should all like take AP Bio and be in Hazlewood's class next year y/y 8D

Michael: Mr Hazlewood, the stapler's not working.
Hazlewood: DID YOU JUST BREAK MY STAPLER. B|
Michael: I didn't break your stapler, your stapler broke my project! B|
Hazlewood: The hell... >B|
(While he's trying to fix the stapler, someone yells to Michael from across the room)
Michael: (yelling back) I'm coming okay? Control your hormones, god!
Hazlewood: Hey. B|
Michael: What? I'm telling them to calm down.
Hazlewood: Yes, but, school appropriate conversation. (puts down stapler and begins to leave the room)
Michael: Hey, where are you going?
Hazlewood: To find another stapler. Hopefully one you won't break. >B|

Me: (doing a partner evaluation) Shandershon, DID YOU FOLLOW PROPER LAB SAFETY PROCEDURES. O:
Shandershon: OFC.
Hazlewood: (overhearing us) Actually no, 'cause technically you're supposed to wear safety goggles when handling chemicals. But that doesn't really matter today, so.
Chadwick: (overhearing him) But, how could we even get to the goggles? They're locked up! D< (points accusingly to the safe box thing holding the safety goggles)
Hazlewood: ... (walks over and easily swings open the safe, all the while completely deadpan) B|
Chadwick: ...
Hazlewood: ... (sigh.)
Me + Shandershon: xDDD
Chadwick: Well, one lesson to learn from this: whenever you see a safe in this school, try opening it before assuming it's locked.

Hazlewood: (seeing me holding the paper like two centimetres from my face while trying to read it) ... You really should get your glasses back soon.
Me: Yes, I really should. You'd think? |D
Hazlewood: When are you getting them back?
Me: "Sometime soon", according to my parents.
Hazlewood: (rolls eyes, very sarcastically) Pfft, "sometime soon". Yes, of course. |D

Elaboration on that last one: one of the side thingies on my glasses snapped off last night, because the little screw that was holding it to the frame somehow got loose and fell off and got lost on the floor. And my parents conveniently couldn't find an old pair of mine until this evening, after I had to go through an entire day of school seeing fuzzy blobs everywhere. Which was absolutely lovely. At least I had help from seatmates, so thanks guys (mostly Shandershon)~ |3 ♥

ugh.

maybe i shouldn't have done that.

i have a stomachache. i have an essay to finish by tomorrow. i have a report to finish by saturday. i have a history project to do on monday. i have a quiz to study for by monday. i have a unit test to study for by wednesday. i have courses to pick by wednesday. i have a song to learn by thursday. i have volunteer work to look for. i'm beginning to have a headache. i want to sleep.

hello reality, how are you today?

fuckin' hell.

Mood whiplash.

You see that post below this one? It seems all nice and normal and happy, right?

Just now, my parents came in and started lecturing talking to me about course selection and volunteering and blah blah, and my dad was all "NO YOU CAN'T TAKE AP PSYCHOLOGY IN GRADE 12 BECAUSE IT WILL BRING DOWN YOUR AVERAGE AND YOU CAN ALWAYS STUDY THAT WHEN YOU GET TO UNIVERSITY" and my mom was all "YOU HAVE TO APPLY TO A BILLION DIFFERENT VOLUNTEERING PROGRAMS SO YOU CAN GET A BILLION HOURS AND UNIVERSITIES WILL BE FLOCKING TO YOU WITH ACCEPTANCE LETTERS AND EVERYTHING WILL BE RIGHT IN THE WORLD" and I got all frazzled and then I read Jason's not-so-happy post just now and now I'm in a bit of a disheartened mood.

tl;dr -- presently I'm not nearly as cheerful (or normal, or whatever you want to call it) as I was a few hours ago. Not nearly.

One of the things I used to love to do back in grade seven and eight was sift through quote sites and collect my favourite quotes on a word document, and pull that up whenever I was in a particularly disheartened/sentimental/nostalgic/idealistic mood. I hadn't touched that document for more than a few months now—maybe even a year, I'm not sure—but since I wasn't feeling all that chipper I found it in my files and figured, why the hell not. And I took a look through it again for the first time in a long while.

So if you're in a particularly vindictive and/or downcast state of mind as well, particularly with course selection looming over our heads... I decided to share some of these, because I think we should all take the time out of our lives once in a while to step back, look at ourselves, look at the world, and just try and tilt our heads a bit and see things from a different perspective. These quotes are like my life philosophies of sorts, so you get a bit of a peek into what goes through my head on a daily basis as well. (If, on the other hand, you find these corny and hilarious, that's okay too. I don't mind being corny and hilarious; on the contrary, these kinds of things are probably one of the best ways to cheer myself up, however lame that sounds. Even though this post is meant to be one of the more serious and contemplative on this blog (granted, that's not saying much considering what I usually dump on here), it's fine if you find a bit (or a lot) of humour in some of these. Or all of them. x3)



"Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never get hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth."

"If there exists no possibility of failure, then victory is meaningless."

"I keep on thinking things will never change
That things will always remain the same
But when we leave this year, we won’t be coming back
No more hanging out ‘cause we’re on a different track
As we go on, we’ll remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We’ll all still be friends forever."

"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, who could always brighten up a day even if she couldn't brighten her own."

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a hundred reasons to smile."

"Sometimes you just want to put other people's happiness before yours, because you love them, because they deserve it. Sometimes you want to go out of your way for other people just because you know that it's important that they get a chance to smile once in a while."

"Hugging is the ideal gift. Great for any occasion, fun to give and receive, shows you care, comes with its own wrapping and, of course, is fully returnable. Hugging is practically perfect. No batteries to wear out, inflation-proof, nonfattening, no monthly payments, theft-proof and nontaxable."

"We’re all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love."

"If you want to see the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what other people say you cannot do."

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

"He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying."