Vent.

It’s third period again. As usual, I’m not allowed to elongate my words with unnecessarily repeated letters in order to place emphasis on them, or else a red line will appear underneath them and it will be obvious that something is going wrong with my typing. Right now we’re in the computer lab supposed to be working on our Reviews of Literature, but I’m already done because I finished last night because I didn’t want to do it all today, so that’s good. Unfortunately, my back is directly to the teacher and therefore she can see my screen very-y-y-y clearly (see I have to use hyphens there just to be safe). Again, I am using the tiny size 8 Arial font as a defence mechanism.

You know what’s sad? I’m forever alone in this class. Being the only eleventh grader in a class full of seniors is... well, it’s not fun in that everybody else knows each other and I... don’t. ........... Maybe I should stop talking about this, because it really is depressing me. Seriously, I feel like crying or something melodramatic like that. I’m thinking maybe I should have skipped this period... I might have if I’d have known that this was going to be a work period for something I’ve already finished. Ugh, I feel like a loser sitting here all alone. But then again, it’s mostly my fault anyway. I don’t know why, but when I’m around people I know well, even if there are also strangers or acquaintances in the group, I feel freer to be my usual crazy self. When it’s like this though... I don’t know. I can’t bring myself to talk to anybody. It’s terrifying. I don’t even know what I’m scared of. Rejection, maybe? Yeah, I guess it’s really irrational. I wish I could fix this. I mean, you know those questions where they’re like “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?” Yeah, for me, it’d be this. Stop being such a wallflower, Rachel. Pluck up the courage to talk to somebody, because right now you’re looking like a bigger idiot than you ever could if you’d just try to make some good friends here.

On the other hand though, some of these people have known each other since elementary school. Most have known each other for, I don’t know, two, three, all four years of high school? I feel so intrusive, like I’m not supposed to belong here. Technically, I don’t really belong here. It’s not only the age difference; a lot of my friends are in my grade, and a lot of their friends are in theirs. There’s a small overlap there. Maybe it’s just me though; I know there are lots of eleventh graders who associate with the seniors and are like, best friends with them or whatever. Except those aren’t my friends. Well, maybe some of them are... I mean, I’m pretty sure Nicole’s circle of friends is pretty broad in terms of age. But my point is, those usually aren’t the kind of people I’d invite to parties (or who’d invite me to parties in return... I’m not really a house party person, now that I think about it). I wish this could change though. I do want to get to know people... it’s just... I’m ridiculously scared. I don’t even know why. I know a lot of these people are pretty nice, and they’d probably accept me (even if they think I’m awkward and weird)... I don’t know what my problem is. Ugh. I wish I had more courage. I wish I could change that about myself.

Instead, I just sit here at the computer in the History pod lab, typing madly away on what people think is my Review of Literature but is actually just a really long and pointless and self-pitying ramble on how much I truly suck. I wish I had proper social skills. And then there’s a voice in my head that says, “Stop wishing, go out there and actually do something about it, stupid!” Yeah, I know. I’m just too much of a wimp to do it.

And then there’s the question about impressing people. Yes, I’ll admit, I have somebody I want to impress. And he’s male. And I may or may not be attracted to him. (No, you may not know who he is.) Somehow (... no, not somehow; it’s for a good reason), I feel like he’s way out of my league. Hooray, now Rachel is not only moping about how she lacks social skills, she’s also lamenting the fact that she looks like a goddamn idiot whenever she’s around this person, and she has absolutely no chance whatsoever because she is a spineless coward. That’s right, I went there. You spineless coward. The one who can’t make friends. The one who can’t talk to strangers. The one who still has her parents order things for her at restaurants because she can’t speak to the waiters and waitresses without freaking out. There is something very, very wrong with me, and for once that was not said in a joking manner.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m so attached to Vocal Fusion is because I feel like I belong there. I can actually be myself and talk to everybody and give hugs and sarcastic commentary and cupcakes and I can be confident that nobody will ever think of shunning me for who I am. There’s something about performing with this group of people, after you’ve practised together and bantered and made lame jokes and did each other’s makeup and sometimes lost patience with each other the final week or two before Nationals... the social barriers that I never seem to get over in everyday life, they just melt away when I’m with them. And I love them for who they’ve made me become, because I know that being on the stage with these guys has changed me. Personally, I don’t think the change was overly drastic or anything, but... it’s definitely there. I’m not afraid anymore, because I know they're with me.

Why can’t I feel that way all the time?