180 degrees.

My mood seems to take those turns a lot nowadays.

A few thoughts have been running through my mind recently.

... a few prominent thoughts.

Recurrently.

This is a bad thing. Mostly.

These are idiotic thoughts. They are compelling me to consider doing (and in some cases, to actually do, for some Goddess-knows-why reason) very, very stupid things.

There are times when I want to be left alone, and there are times when I crave the company of only that one person.

Yeah. Like that's ever going to happen.

So while this one person's been fucking with my mind (inadvertently, I'm sure), I find myself making excuses. Lots of them. And they're stupid. Making me feel stupid.

Like today, I did several very stupid things. People might have noticed. It's hard not to notice.

And then mood whiplash and happiness and rainbows and then FUCKING HELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU RACHEL.

Not looking forward to tomorrow.

... I lied. I kind of am?

For all the completely wrong reasons, but still.

I like to think of myself as having a way with words. It's one of those few things I think I'm actually good at. Or at least decent enough.

But then I think about the things that I shouldn't think about but I do anyway in that moment when see him and I shouldn't be thinking about things like that but I end up doing so anyway and FUCK

... It's probably not what you think it is. Because I shouldn't be telling anybody. And I'm not trying to be cryptic or enigmatic or any crap like that.

Don't you hate when you can't tell somebody something, but they would only understand why you can't tell them if they knew what exactly it is but you can't tell them what it is and it just carries on in a vicious circle and and and

I wish I could tell people. Or at least that one person. Just that one person, because he should know but at the same time he shouldn't because this is all so fucked up.

And... it would feel nice just to get some of this shit off my chest. Fuck, I wish.