No life again.

(A mother approaches me with her daughter.)

Customer: “I’m hosting some of my daughters friends for the night and I couldn’t find your condoms.” *puts her hand on her daughter’s head* “Lucy is turning 13.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, condoms! Ketchup and mustard. We’re having a BBQ. It’s simple. Where are they?”

Me: “Oh! Condiments.”

Customer: “Yes, condoms. Where are they?”


---


(It’s my first day at work, and I’m putting away packages of little girls’ underwear. I don’t know the section, so I walk around for several minutes, holding the packages of underwear, trying to figure out where they go. A customer walks up with two of her kids in tow.)

Customer: “What the hell are you doing?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! You’re disgusting. This is a public place, you pervert!”

Me: “Uh, miss–”

Customer: *jabs me in the chest with a finger* “You’re a filthy pervert! This is appalling! People can see you, you know!*

Me: “Ma’am, I work here.”

(I point to my logo’d shirt and my lanyard with my name tag on it.)

Customer: “Oh. My. God. I am so sorry!” *runs out of the store with her kids*


---


Customer: “How much is it to make copies?”

Me: “It’s ten cents a page for black and white and fifty cents a page for color.”

Customer: “You can make color copies?”

Me: “Sure. Just make sure you choose ‘color’ before you start copying.”

(The patron goes to the copy machine, and comes back a few minutes later.)

Customer: “It’s not working. I’m only getting black and white.”

Me: “Okay. Let me see if I can figure out what’s going on.”

(I notice the patron is trying to copy something that is entirely black and white.)

Me: “Oh, I see. To get a color copy, the original does need to be in color.”

Customer: “The machine won’t put the color back in?”


---




Customer: “I am looking for one of those things that are like a book, but not a book.”

Me: “Do you mean a magazine?”

Customer: “No, no. It is like a book, but not a book.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “You know! A book thing, but not a book.”

(After the customer tries to explain this object to me for about 10 minutes, my coworker comes back from lunch.)

Coworker: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Customer: “I asked your coworker if you have those things that are like books but not books, but she is too simple to understand.”

Coworker: “You mean a magazine?”

Customer: “No! Is it so hard to just find one of those things? I thought this was a bookstore!”

(Overhearing us, my manager tries to help.)

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “I am looking for a thing that is like a book, but not a book.”

Manager: “Well, let’s go look for it…”

(My manager ended up leading the customer all around the store, pointing out every thing we had. The thing that was like a book but not a book? A bookmark.)


---




Me: “Hello, sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have those books in that series?”

Me: “Which series is that?”

Customer: “You know, the one by that famous author.”

Me: “There are lots of famous authors, sir. Do you know what one of the books was called?

Customer: “I want the third book in the series by that famous author!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but without more information, I don’t know which book you’re after.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! How could you not know the ones I’m talking about? They’re FAMOUS!”


---


Customer: “Do you have a picture book of dinosaurs?”

Me: “Sure.”

(We walk to the dinosaur books and I show him many books with various sketches and paintings of dinosaurs)

Customer: “No, not pictures…PHOTOGRAPHS. Photos of dinosaurs, please. Where are those?”


---


Male Customer: “Do you guys accept tips?”

Female Coworker: “Yeah, but we try to discourage it. We’d like to think our service is free.”

Male Customer: “Well um… Here’s a tip.” (Customer pulls out his phone number on a piece of paper)

(Female coworker’s boyfriend is right behind customer)


---


(I’m a member of the security staff at a casino, and three men approach to me, one of them looking a little young.)

Me: “Can I see some ID?”

(The youngest one gives me an ID where it says he’s 22. I ask him how old he is just to check.)

Me: “How old are you?”

Customer: “17.” *pauses* “Ah, I f***ed up, didn’t I? I’ll just wait in the car.”


---


(I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

(Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

(Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”


---


Customer: “These Christmas trees all look so fake! I want to get one fresh from the Everglades!”

(I chuckle, and then realize he is serious.)

Me: “Sir, the Everglades aren’t exactly known for there Christmas trees.”

Customer: “Oh yeah! I forgot, it’s all frozen.”

Me: “No sir, the Everglades are in the middle of Florida.”

Customer: “Oh, well I was never good at geometry anyway.”


---


Customer: “What cigarettes would you recommend?”

Me: “I’m actually only 16, I don’t smoke.”

Customer: “Oh well then which cigars are your favorite?”

Me: “I’m only 16, I don’t smoke.”

Customer: “Okay then. Do you sell marijuana?”

Me: “That’s actually illegal.”

Customer: “What? When did that happen?”


---


Me: “That’ll be €32,78 please.”

(The customer hands me American dollars.)

Me: “Sir, this is Germany. You can’t pay with US currency.”

Customer: “But this is the US.”

Me: “No sir, this is Germany, in Europe.”

Customer: “But…isn’t Europe part of the US?”


---


(I am working in a kindergarten where over half of the kids are Maori. The Maori word for scissors is ‘kutikuti,’ which is pronounced ‘cutty cutty’.)

Me, to a child: “Can you pass me the kutikuti please?”

Mother: “What did you say to my child?”

Me: “I asked her to pass me the scissors.”

Mother: “Don’t talk baby to my child. She’s smart enough to use adult words.”

Me: “I wasn’t. I was using the Maori name for scissors.”

Mother: “No, you said cutty cutty. That’s not Maori. I’m Maori, and I think I know Maori when I hear it.”

(The child interrupts. She grabs her mom by the hand and drags her off to a poster on the wall which has a few art objects and their Maori names under them.)

Child: “Mom, why do you always have to pick fights with people? I’m very disappointed in you!”

(When her mother left I gave the kid the biggest sticker I could find to put on her good behaviour chart.)


---


(I am working as a cashier and two customers come in talking loudly about how dumb minimum wage fast-food workers are. One of them decides to prove it…)

Customer: “Let me ask you a question. What’s 7 times 7?”

Me: “49.”

Customer: “What’s 8 times 8?”

Me: “64.”

Customer: “E equals MC squared?”

Me: “What about it?”

Customer: “What does it mean?”

Me: “Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.”

Customer: “Uhm…”

Me: “Would you like fries with that?”


---


(Note: I am a self-checkout attendant.)

Customer: “Miss, my debit card doesn’t seem to be working.”

Me: “Are you sure you’re swiping it the right way?”

Customer: “Which way is the right way?”

Me: “Stripe facing outward.”

Customer: “Miss, it’s still not working!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that debit machine is currently out of order.”

Customer: “I want to use this one. Why isn’t this one working?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we called tech support. If you’d like, I’d be more than happy to suspend your order and–”

Customer: “It’s your responsibility to put up signs if something isn’t working! I want to speak to your store manager.”

Me: “There’s no sign on that machine? I’m sure I put them up just a couple of minutes ago.”

Customer: “Do you SEE a sign?”

(I walk over to the machine, and see the sign laying by the customers feet on the floor. It was clearly ripped off of the machine, as it’s half torn.)

Me: “Hmm, I’m terribly sorry sir. It seems someone ripped the sign off.”

Customer: “Yeah, that was me.”

Me: “Can I ask why?”

Customer: “No, you can’t.”

Me: “Why would you use this machine is you had seen and read the sign, stating that the debit machine wasn’t working?”

Customer: “Because there was no sign!”

Me: “But you ripped the sign off.”

Customer: “Yeah, so now that it’s not there anymore the debit machine should be working! Forget this! I’m going to another store!”


---


Customer: “Hi, I need to schedule an appointment to test my car. I need it as soon as possible!”

Me: “Okay, let’s see. First available appointment is actually today. Would you like me to put you up for that?”

Customer: “Hmm…I don’t know. I really do need it as soon as possible. Can you check to see if you have anything earlier?”

Me: “Well, first available is today.”

Customer: “I really need it before that.”

Me: “Earlier than today?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t see how I could make that happen. Can you maybe tell me which day you would like?”

Customer: “Yesterday?”

Me: “Yesterday?”

Customer: “Yes, that would be great!”

Me: “Sorry, nothing available yesterday. How about tomorrow?”

Customer: “Okay, I guess that’ll do…”


---


(At the aquarium where I volunteer, a guest sticks her whole hand in our touch tank, rips off a sea urchin and proceeds to stuff it in her bag.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you can’t do that.”

Guest: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You can’t rip the urchin off the tank’s wall. Could you please hand me it?”

Guest: “But I was going to take it home and eat it. Isn’t that okay?”


---


(A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.)

Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care
of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.”

Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?”

Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic, I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!”

Me: “It’s probably something else then. What do you use to remove your make-up?”

Customer: “Like…what?”

Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?”

Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?”

Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you wear it constantly. Why don’t you take it off?”

Customer: “In case I have to answer my door when I’m asleep.”

Me: “In your sleep?”

Customer: “Don’t judge my social life! You probably don’t have many friends!”


---


Me: Hello this is [doctor's office], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead…and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”


---


(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”


---


... yeah. Sorry, kinda spammed you guys with fail just now, didn't I? |D;;

Rachel should go to sleep. Her heart cookies look like blobs. And they're unfrosted, to boot. Dx