(A mother approaches me with her daughter.)
Customer: “I’m hosting some of my daughters friends for the night and I couldn’t find your condoms.” *puts her hand on her daughter’s head* “Lucy is turning 13.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “You know, condoms! Ketchup and mustard. We’re having a BBQ. It’s simple. Where are they?”
Me: “Oh! Condiments.”
Customer: “Yes, condoms. Where are they?”
---
(It’s my first day at work, and I’m putting away packages of little girls’ underwear. I don’t know the section, so I walk around for several minutes, holding the packages of underwear, trying to figure out where they go. A customer walks up with two of her kids in tow.)
Customer: “What the hell are you doing?”
Me: “What?”
Customer: “I can’t believe this! You’re disgusting. This is a public place, you pervert!”
Me: “Uh, miss–”
Customer: *jabs me in the chest with a finger* “You’re a filthy pervert! This is appalling! People can see you, you know!*
Me: “Ma’am, I work here.”
(I point to my logo’d shirt and my lanyard with my name tag on it.)
Customer: “Oh. My. God. I am so sorry!” *runs out of the store with her kids*
---
Customer: “How much is it to make copies?”
Me: “It’s ten cents a page for black and white and fifty cents a page for color.”
Customer: “You can make color copies?”
Me: “Sure. Just make sure you choose ‘color’ before you start copying.”
(The patron goes to the copy machine, and comes back a few minutes later.)
Customer: “It’s not working. I’m only getting black and white.”
Me: “Okay. Let me see if I can figure out what’s going on.”
(I notice the patron is trying to copy something that is entirely black and white.)
Me: “Oh, I see. To get a color copy, the original does need to be in color.”
Customer: “The machine won’t put the color back in?”
---
Customer: “I am looking for one of those things that are like a book, but not a book.”
Me: “Do you mean a magazine?”
Customer: “No, no. It is like a book, but not a book.”
Me: *speechless*
Customer: “You know! A book thing, but not a book.”
(After the customer tries to explain this object to me for about 10 minutes, my coworker comes back from lunch.)
Coworker: “What seems to be the problem here?”
Customer: “I asked your coworker if you have those things that are like books but not books, but she is too simple to understand.”
Coworker: “You mean a magazine?”
Customer: “No! Is it so hard to just find one of those things? I thought this was a bookstore!”
(Overhearing us, my manager tries to help.)
Manager: “Is there a problem?”
Customer: “I am looking for a thing that is like a book, but not a book.”
Manager: “Well, let’s go look for it…”
(My manager ended up leading the customer all around the store, pointing out every thing we had. The thing that was like a book but not a book? A bookmark.)
---
Me: “Hello, sir, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Do you have those books in that series?”
Me: “Which series is that?”
Customer: “You know, the one by that famous author.”
Me: “There are lots of famous authors, sir. Do you know what one of the books was called?
Customer: “I want the third book in the series by that famous author!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but without more information, I don’t know which book you’re after.”
Customer: “This is ridiculous! How could you not know the ones I’m talking about? They’re FAMOUS!”
---
Customer: “Do you have a picture book of dinosaurs?”
Me: “Sure.”
(We walk to the dinosaur books and I show him many books with various sketches and paintings of dinosaurs)
Customer: “No, not pictures…PHOTOGRAPHS. Photos of dinosaurs, please. Where are those?”
---
Male Customer: “Do you guys accept tips?”
Female Coworker: “Yeah, but we try to discourage it. We’d like to think our service is free.”
Male Customer: “Well um… Here’s a tip.” (Customer pulls out his phone number on a piece of paper)
(Female coworker’s boyfriend is right behind customer)
---
(I’m a member of the security staff at a casino, and three men approach to me, one of them looking a little young.)
Me: “Can I see some ID?”
(The youngest one gives me an ID where it says he’s 22. I ask him how old he is just to check.)
Me: “How old are you?”
Customer: “17.” *pauses* “Ah, I f***ed up, didn’t I? I’ll just wait in the car.”
---
(I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)
Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”
Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”
(Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)
Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”
Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”
(Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)
Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”
Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”
Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”
Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”
---
Customer: “These Christmas trees all look so fake! I want to get one fresh from the Everglades!”
(I chuckle, and then realize he is serious.)
Me: “Sir, the Everglades aren’t exactly known for there Christmas trees.”
Customer: “Oh yeah! I forgot, it’s all frozen.”
Me: “No sir, the Everglades are in the middle of Florida.”
Customer: “Oh, well I was never good at geometry anyway.”
---
Customer: “What cigarettes would you recommend?”
Me: “I’m actually only 16, I don’t smoke.”
Customer: “Oh well then which cigars are your favorite?”
Me: “I’m only 16, I don’t smoke.”
Customer: “Okay then. Do you sell marijuana?”
Me: “That’s actually illegal.”
Customer: “What? When did that happen?”
---
Me: “That’ll be €32,78 please.”
(The customer hands me American dollars.)
Me: “Sir, this is Germany. You can’t pay with US currency.”
Customer: “But this is the US.”
Me: “No sir, this is Germany, in Europe.”
Customer: “But…isn’t Europe part of the US?”
---
(I am working in a kindergarten where over half of the kids are Maori. The Maori word for scissors is ‘kutikuti,’ which is pronounced ‘cutty cutty’.)
Me, to a child: “Can you pass me the kutikuti please?”
Mother: “What did you say to my child?”
Me: “I asked her to pass me the scissors.”
Mother: “Don’t talk baby to my child. She’s smart enough to use adult words.”
Me: “I wasn’t. I was using the Maori name for scissors.”
Mother: “No, you said cutty cutty. That’s not Maori. I’m Maori, and I think I know Maori when I hear it.”
(The child interrupts. She grabs her mom by the hand and drags her off to a poster on the wall which has a few art objects and their Maori names under them.)
Child: “Mom, why do you always have to pick fights with people? I’m very disappointed in you!”
(When her mother left I gave the kid the biggest sticker I could find to put on her good behaviour chart.)
---
(I am working as a cashier and two customers come in talking loudly about how dumb minimum wage fast-food workers are. One of them decides to prove it…)
Customer: “Let me ask you a question. What’s 7 times 7?”
Me: “49.”
Customer: “What’s 8 times 8?”
Me: “64.”
Customer: “E equals MC squared?”
Me: “What about it?”
Customer: “What does it mean?”
Me: “Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.”
Customer: “Uhm…”
Me: “Would you like fries with that?”
---
(Note: I am a self-checkout attendant.)
Customer: “Miss, my debit card doesn’t seem to be working.”
Me: “Are you sure you’re swiping it the right way?”
Customer: “Which way is the right way?”
Me: “Stripe facing outward.”
Customer: “Miss, it’s still not working!”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that debit machine is currently out of order.”
Customer: “I want to use this one. Why isn’t this one working?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we called tech support. If you’d like, I’d be more than happy to suspend your order and–”
Customer: “It’s your responsibility to put up signs if something isn’t working! I want to speak to your store manager.”
Me: “There’s no sign on that machine? I’m sure I put them up just a couple of minutes ago.”
Customer: “Do you SEE a sign?”
(I walk over to the machine, and see the sign laying by the customers feet on the floor. It was clearly ripped off of the machine, as it’s half torn.)
Me: “Hmm, I’m terribly sorry sir. It seems someone ripped the sign off.”
Customer: “Yeah, that was me.”
Me: “Can I ask why?”
Customer: “No, you can’t.”
Me: “Why would you use this machine is you had seen and read the sign, stating that the debit machine wasn’t working?”
Customer: “Because there was no sign!”
Me: “But you ripped the sign off.”
Customer: “Yeah, so now that it’s not there anymore the debit machine should be working! Forget this! I’m going to another store!”
---
Customer: “Hi, I need to schedule an appointment to test my car. I need it as soon as possible!”
Me: “Okay, let’s see. First available appointment is actually today. Would you like me to put you up for that?”
Customer: “Hmm…I don’t know. I really do need it as soon as possible. Can you check to see if you have anything earlier?”
Me: “Well, first available is today.”
Customer: “I really need it before that.”
Me: “Earlier than today?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t see how I could make that happen. Can you maybe tell me which day you would like?”
Customer: “Yesterday?”
Me: “Yesterday?”
Customer: “Yes, that would be great!”
Me: “Sorry, nothing available yesterday. How about tomorrow?”
Customer: “Okay, I guess that’ll do…”
---
(At the aquarium where I volunteer, a guest sticks her whole hand in our touch tank, rips off a sea urchin and proceeds to stuff it in her bag.)
Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you can’t do that.”
Guest: “What do you mean?”
Me: “You can’t rip the urchin off the tank’s wall. Could you please hand me it?”
Guest: “But I was going to take it home and eat it. Isn’t that okay?”
---
(A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.)
Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care
of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.”
Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?”
Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic, I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!”
Me: “It’s probably something else then. What do you use to remove your make-up?”
Customer: “Like…what?”
Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?”
Customer: *silence*
Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?”
Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?”
Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you wear it constantly. Why don’t you take it off?”
Customer: “In case I have to answer my door when I’m asleep.”
Me: “In your sleep?”
Customer: “Don’t judge my social life! You probably don’t have many friends!”
---
Me: Hello this is [doctor's office], how may I help you?”
Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”
(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)
Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”
Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead…and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”
Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”
Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”
---
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)
Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”
Customer: “How much for my daughter?”
Me: “Um…”
Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”
Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”
Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”
Me: “Adult websites.”
Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”
---
... yeah. Sorry, kinda spammed you guys with fail just now, didn't I? |D;;
Rachel should go to sleep. Her heart cookies look like blobs. And they're unfrosted, to boot. Dx
