Alive.

Am I really?

Hi guys. Long time no see. Not going to bother checking to see just how long... it's just been a really long time. Close enough.

Next year (well, technically this year in September) we're in grade twelve. Final year. Jason made vice pres of StuCo; there is no possible combination of words that can describe how proud I am. I can't even convey it physically. It's just... ajals;dgjoiwerojag Lauckerface you work so hard and you fucking deserve to be where you are right now.

That happens a lot. The not-being-able-to-express-things thing. I need to work on my communication. I get those marks off tests all the time. Especially Bio.

Anyway. Almost summer. Holy crap it's June in two/three days (because it's 11:30 PM and it will be two days soon, so I'm just going to say two days). I still feel like I haven't been in grade eleven for very long. Is this what it's going to be like for the rest of my life? I swear, pretty soon I'm going to hear wedding bells and be surfing real estate on the Internet and then BAM all of a sudden I'm collecting my pension.

Gaaaaaah. It's coming too fast. Can't take it.

I think I'm regressing. Almost in university (FUCK applications) and I've realised that I'm starting to act like a child again. More than usual, I mean. (I was childish in the first place.) I really don't want to be an adult. At least not so soon. I mean, sure it'll be cool living on my own and budgeting my own stuff and not having my parents hover over me every minute of the day, but at the same time... I want my old life back. Well, what are you gonna do about it. The future's coming like a bullet and this ain't the fucking Matrix.

(... Yeah, my inner English freak just bitchslapped me too.)

What am I doing with my life?

Well then.

Whenever I introduce myself to strangers on the Internet, my heart starts pounding almost like I'm panicking.

I avoid chatboxes because they're intimidating.

Even if nobody's talking.

It's the Internet. THE INTERNET.

There is something wrong with me.










brb studying

Pffffft.

"I do act grown-up, you know!"
"Pfft, grown-up, my ass."
"Wait, what grew up your ass?!"

Something old, something new.

Something borrowed, something blue... no, I'm not getting married. The saying just kind of completed itself.

So, what's up, 2012? You're not so different from your predecessor so far, I must say; but then again, I've only known you for twenty-three hours and ten minutes at this precise moment. (Not even exaggerating; the time just changed to 11:10.)

Did I make any resolutions last year? Okay, after checking back to my post on the first of January, 2011, apparently not. Maybe I should do so this year... or maybe not, because I probably wouldn't be able to keep them anyway. ("Anyways" isn't a proper word, by the way... although according to Firefox's spell check, it is. Huh.)

Last night, I went over to Ruthie's little party/get-together thing, where I was a cool cat and hung out with a senior, her fourteen-year-old sister (who looks older than her), and their niner next door neighbour. We watched Enchanted and played with the dog and the guinea pig and made a gingerbread train. We also wrote up New Year's wishes and threw them out the door at midnight; according to Ruthie, this is going to make them come true over the next year. I'm a bit sceptical of this claim, mostly because one of my wishes was to ask out a certain person which will probably never happen because I'm a socially anxious coward... but I suppose I could work on that. Not that I haven't been trying for the past few years...

Now, getting back on track... I suppose I should be writing something thoughtful and emotionally uplifting in celebration of the new year? I'm supposed to be good at that, right? Then again, it's also a likely possibility that the swearing and selfish rants and depressing posts on this blog far outnumber the intentionally optimistic ones. This... is a problem.

For some inexplicable reason, I have an urge to test-drive a roleplaying character on this blog, one whom I've been working on for the past two days or so, intended for this really pretty real-life based community roleplay site that's going private soon. Whee, starting off the new year with run-on sentences. Her name is Tomoyo Coté and she's the lovechild of a Quebecois man and a Japanese-Canadian woman, because I'm a nerd and feel like incorporating French into my character's speech and also because the roleplay is set in a fictional, alternate universe version of Nagasaki, Japan. I really don't feel like dealing with all the intricacies of naturalization and my character technically not being a legal citizen of Japan. >>

... Que fais-tu, salope? Why the fuck are you dragging me into this?

She's also very foul-mouthed. And irritable. But inside, she's really just a soft, marshmallowy hopeless romantic with a fondness for flowers and video games.

Fuck you. Are you calling me fat?

Oh please, stop being so self-conscious. I mean, I know you're surrounded by cute Japanese girls (a lot of whom look fake anyway; I don't really see the appeal) but that doesn't mean you're a big fatso that everybody's going to hate. Heck, your playby is Belarus/Natalya Arlovskaya, for heaven's sake, and there are no unattractive people in Hetalia. Except maybe the Shinatty guy; he's a little scary. Sorry, China.

... So from your perspective, joshikousei are "fake"?

Well, not specifically them, but I suppose some of them do fall under—

Tais-toi, that's enough bullshit from a girl with a crush on a guy—

Anddddd, she's also a lesbian, which explains why she's defending those cute, pretty Japanese high school girls (and she doesn't feel that bad about it since she's only twenty so it's not really that creepy)—

—who she sees every week and yet still cannot muster up the balls to start flirting with him as she is too terrified of coming across as a stalker, which she probably is—

Okay, enoughhhhh, geez. o(≧Δ≦)o (Why do I feel the need to relentlessly insult myself through the shameless rudeness of my own character...?)

It's your own fault, you know.

Oh, going all passive-aggressive now, are we? >B|

........... Je quitte. Au revoir.

...

...

... Yeah, I really need to work on my French. It's probably all wrong. I need a tutor for roleplaying what is this

... Damn, it's past midnight. It's already January 2 and I didn't notice. So much for posting on the first day of 2012. :c

Vent.

It’s third period again. As usual, I’m not allowed to elongate my words with unnecessarily repeated letters in order to place emphasis on them, or else a red line will appear underneath them and it will be obvious that something is going wrong with my typing. Right now we’re in the computer lab supposed to be working on our Reviews of Literature, but I’m already done because I finished last night because I didn’t want to do it all today, so that’s good. Unfortunately, my back is directly to the teacher and therefore she can see my screen very-y-y-y clearly (see I have to use hyphens there just to be safe). Again, I am using the tiny size 8 Arial font as a defence mechanism.

You know what’s sad? I’m forever alone in this class. Being the only eleventh grader in a class full of seniors is... well, it’s not fun in that everybody else knows each other and I... don’t. ........... Maybe I should stop talking about this, because it really is depressing me. Seriously, I feel like crying or something melodramatic like that. I’m thinking maybe I should have skipped this period... I might have if I’d have known that this was going to be a work period for something I’ve already finished. Ugh, I feel like a loser sitting here all alone. But then again, it’s mostly my fault anyway. I don’t know why, but when I’m around people I know well, even if there are also strangers or acquaintances in the group, I feel freer to be my usual crazy self. When it’s like this though... I don’t know. I can’t bring myself to talk to anybody. It’s terrifying. I don’t even know what I’m scared of. Rejection, maybe? Yeah, I guess it’s really irrational. I wish I could fix this. I mean, you know those questions where they’re like “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?” Yeah, for me, it’d be this. Stop being such a wallflower, Rachel. Pluck up the courage to talk to somebody, because right now you’re looking like a bigger idiot than you ever could if you’d just try to make some good friends here.

On the other hand though, some of these people have known each other since elementary school. Most have known each other for, I don’t know, two, three, all four years of high school? I feel so intrusive, like I’m not supposed to belong here. Technically, I don’t really belong here. It’s not only the age difference; a lot of my friends are in my grade, and a lot of their friends are in theirs. There’s a small overlap there. Maybe it’s just me though; I know there are lots of eleventh graders who associate with the seniors and are like, best friends with them or whatever. Except those aren’t my friends. Well, maybe some of them are... I mean, I’m pretty sure Nicole’s circle of friends is pretty broad in terms of age. But my point is, those usually aren’t the kind of people I’d invite to parties (or who’d invite me to parties in return... I’m not really a house party person, now that I think about it). I wish this could change though. I do want to get to know people... it’s just... I’m ridiculously scared. I don’t even know why. I know a lot of these people are pretty nice, and they’d probably accept me (even if they think I’m awkward and weird)... I don’t know what my problem is. Ugh. I wish I had more courage. I wish I could change that about myself.

Instead, I just sit here at the computer in the History pod lab, typing madly away on what people think is my Review of Literature but is actually just a really long and pointless and self-pitying ramble on how much I truly suck. I wish I had proper social skills. And then there’s a voice in my head that says, “Stop wishing, go out there and actually do something about it, stupid!” Yeah, I know. I’m just too much of a wimp to do it.

And then there’s the question about impressing people. Yes, I’ll admit, I have somebody I want to impress. And he’s male. And I may or may not be attracted to him. (No, you may not know who he is.) Somehow (... no, not somehow; it’s for a good reason), I feel like he’s way out of my league. Hooray, now Rachel is not only moping about how she lacks social skills, she’s also lamenting the fact that she looks like a goddamn idiot whenever she’s around this person, and she has absolutely no chance whatsoever because she is a spineless coward. That’s right, I went there. You spineless coward. The one who can’t make friends. The one who can’t talk to strangers. The one who still has her parents order things for her at restaurants because she can’t speak to the waiters and waitresses without freaking out. There is something very, very wrong with me, and for once that was not said in a joking manner.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m so attached to Vocal Fusion is because I feel like I belong there. I can actually be myself and talk to everybody and give hugs and sarcastic commentary and cupcakes and I can be confident that nobody will ever think of shunning me for who I am. There’s something about performing with this group of people, after you’ve practised together and bantered and made lame jokes and did each other’s makeup and sometimes lost patience with each other the final week or two before Nationals... the social barriers that I never seem to get over in everyday life, they just melt away when I’m with them. And I love them for who they’ve made me become, because I know that being on the stage with these guys has changed me. Personally, I don’t think the change was overly drastic or anything, but... it’s definitely there. I’m not afraid anymore, because I know they're with me.

Why can’t I feel that way all the time?

Today's topic will be about food.

I am not lying, mostly.

My parents said tonight we're going out to this awesome restaurant for dinner, I think it's the one that serves dishes from Xi'an... or something. (I'm probably wrong. xD) But anyway, really, the real reason I'm excited to go there is because their handmade noodles are soooooo delicioussssss ♥ (And ridiculously spicy, which I suppose isn't good for the vocal chords but hey it's only this once :D)

Speaking of food, I need to bake my yearly pre-holiday cupcake gifts for everyone this week. I'm not sure whether to give them on Wednesday or Thursday... maybe some on Wednesday and some on Thursday? (I mean, if it wasn't for Vocal Fusion I'd probably decide Wednesday, but I also want to give stuff to the however many people are in Vocal Fusion... which, now that I think about it, I have no idea. o-o Probably around 25-ish? Yeah, that seems like a good number.) (... OH HEY, how about I just fire up my Holiday Serenade videos and count the number of people? Plus Bailey and Lewis, who I think are the only two who were missing... yeah :D WHOOT PROBLEM SOLVED, SORTA.)

We're singing a song about Mexican food in jazz choir. Chili con carne, chili con carne, chiiiiliiii con carne, chiiiili con carne, chili con con con carne con chili con carne AHA LET'S MAKE!

As Fandi said, whoever wrote the lyrics of this song must have been really bored. Or really inspired by their lunch.

YOUUUUU IDIOTTTTTT

That was completely unnecessary.

Why.

WHY.

Always have to fuck things up with your big mouth, don't you?

Empty.

My room is, I mean. Turns out Joannerface had some English thing to work on today, and Divya had too much work to come chill. :P Friday, then.

I'm tireddddd can i sleep

Memphis trip tomorrow ♥ (the musical, I mean, not... yeah.)

Herpderp.

Oh yeah, concerts have not always happened on Thursdays. According to my blog. Last year the Serenade was on a Tuesday. O: SO THAT WAS A LIEEEEEEEEEE

BADIYA, SAY DO YOU REMEMBERRRRR

holy crap I watched that video over again like twice and now it's stuck in my head D: Just like Livin' on a Prayer was stuck in my head for like half the day today. I need better songs to get stuck in my head. (Well okay, Livin' on a Prayer is a cool song. BUT STILL)

Joannerface and Divya are coming over tomorrow to practice for the Vocal Fusion Talent Show that's happening next week :D YAY FOR SINGING GIRLY DISNEY SONGS AND PRANCING AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT! ♥ (Except I can't really prance around while singing because then I run out of breath and things will be bad)

If I'm not careful then I'm pretty sure this blog will soon be a big spammy heap of Vocal Fusion/Vocal Department going-ons in general. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Let's talk about something else. That's not my review of literature either WHYYYYY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS WHYYYYYYY

Got a haircut yesterday. It's vaguely choppy now but I like it ♥

... Okay, ever since I mentioned Livin' on a Prayer, it got stuck in my head again. -_- I can never win, can I?

I think I need to go shower because I'm all sweaty and disgusting again

OHAI DECEMBER

crap I already posted in December so that doesn't count

... what

OKAY SO, I'm not dead, I swear. I just... needed some time off of blogging? (What is that FLIMSY EXCUSE) Also, I just downed a whole mug of milk tea and I'm taking a break from dancing and avoiding homework (especially Psych gahhhh review of literature) so here I am because there's nothing interesting happening on Facebook either.

Whoooooo I'm so hyperrrrrrrrrr

So like, last Thursday was Holiday Serenade, meaning the 8th because for some reason Mr Henry felt the need to book it really early this year and also make it clash with One Acts and many people complained. Hence why Bailey and Lewis couldn't perform with us in Vocal Fusion boooooo. :c (Also, I discovered that apparently the concerts always happen on Thursdays because the venue is cheaper o.o I dunno, have the concerts always happened on Thursdays? I don't pay attention to these things. xD)

Speaking of Vocal Fusionnnnnn, we're awesome this year. :D (Well, we were awesome last year too, but we're a different kind of awesome this year. WHICH IS JUST AS AWESOME FYI) I make practice videos for choreo, which started when people wanted a video for the September choreo and I uploaded one of myself practising because I don't have a good mirror to practise in (all I have is this really skinny full-length one that works fine if I stay in one spot but unfortunately our choreo involves moving). I feel useful now. :D

Right now it's December in Canada and I'm wearing a Hollister tank top. Isn't this lovelyyyyy (well actually it's because I've been dancing for the past hour or so and my room is really stuffy and I get all sweaty and hot and disgusting when I dance for too long. On the upside, it's exercise and I may or may not be losing weight except I still weigh like 141 pounds according to my mom's scale WTF IS THIS BLASPHEMY D:)

Yesterday my mom found a coupon to this buffet called Star Walk (it's the buffet my family usually goes to for like birthdays and stuff), and the coupon is something like "pay for three people and the fourth person eats free!" or something like that. So my mom was like, "I was thinking of taking your grandparents [her parents] and you there. We have three people, right?" And I said, "What are you talking about? You, two grandparents, and me. That's four people." And she laughed and said, "Oh, so you do want to go?" And I was like, "o.o ... was there even a question as to whether I was going or not?"

Okay that was really random. I seem to be in a really random mood today. Back to the status quooooooo

brbraabslbaslkerbbbb

Owwww my back is all sore now. And I'm tired. I want a napppppp

I think I should get back to my review of literature before it takes over my life